The Listener

The ideal album for getting rid of guests over Christmas: Yoko Ono’s Warzone reviewed

17 November 2018

9:00 AM

17 November 2018

9:00 AM

Grade: A+

Ooh, you can have some fun with this when the unwanted guests swing by this Christmastide. These are the ‘greatest hits’ of a serially indulged caterwauling loon with the political disposition of a spoiled seven-year-old, redone to make them even worse than they were before.

So, put on ‘Why’ as you hand around the cocktails and the seasonal canapés. Trumpeting elephants, angry crows, an ominous synth and Yoko howling ‘Why? Whhhhhhhhhhhhy? Wok Wah Wheeeeeeeee! Ag ag agag ag! Whhhhhhy?’ Like a particularly angry and talentless Diamanda Galas.

But don’t let a smile give the game away as this unendurable, pretentious garbage resounds around the room. Instead, flip to ‘It’s Gonna Rain’. ‘You say life is a bowl of cherries, you give me a bowl of pits. Try not to step on your eggs.’ Look your brother-in-law in the face and say: ‘I think there’s a lesson in that for all of us, Bob, especially at Christmas.’ Then skip forward to ‘Teddy Bear’. ‘I saw a little girl. Crying. She said she lost her teddy bear. Oh then I can get you another one. NO NO NO NO oh NO. It was MY teddy bear.’ And nod your head meaningfully.

Trust me, the guests will be gone even before Yoko has observed, on ‘Where Do We Go From Here’, that there are ‘cats on the hill, ready to kill’. You probably won’t even have to hear her shrieking about ‘Woman Power’ (‘Men flashing their guns and balls’).

You can take the album off, keeping it handy for when the neighbours drop round later.

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