Features

All hail Pence!

27 May 2017

9:00 AM

27 May 2017

9:00 AM

 Washington

Day 1: The New York Times reveals that President Trump offered FBI director James Comey a 25 per cent discount on membership at Mar-a-Lago if he would end his investigation into former NSC director Michael ‘Mikhail’ Flynn.

Vice President Pence secretly convenes the cabinet at Camp David. The site is chosen because Trump has visited it only once, declaring it ‘a dump’, and is therefore unlikely to show up. Pence tells the cabinet: ‘It has been a great honour to serve with the President’, whom he calls ‘a truly wonderful human being’, but says ‘it’s time we started thinking about our own reputations here’.

Secretary of Housing Ben Carson asks if this means he will move up the presidential line of succession and become vice president. He is told no, and goes back to sleep. Education secretary Betsy DeVos proposes that cabinet members be given vouchers they can use toward becoming vice president, but the idea is dismissed as ‘unworkable’.

Pence solemnly asks Attorney General Sessions to read aloud Section 4 of Amendment XXV of the Constitution, on presidential disability. Sessions asks what ‘XXV’ means. The cabinet discusses this. Secretary of Energy Rick Perry says he thinks it is a reference to Super Bowl XXV. Pence calls for a show of hands. XII of the XXIII cabinet members, a majority, vote to invoke Amendment XXV. Pence and Defense Secretary Mattis discuss details of the transfer of power.

Accompanied by a detachment of Navy Seals, Delta Force and a grief counsellor, Pence and Mattis go to the Oval Office and inform President Trump what’s what.

Trump does not take the news well and hurls desk objects at Pence. He picks up the red phone and orders the Pentagon to divert Carrier Group Vinson to the Potomac river. The Pentagon tells him no one at the Navy seems to know where Carrier Group Vinson is, but will get back to him if they find it.


Trump flees into the Rose Garden and hides in bushes next to Press Secretary Sean Spicer. SEALs flush them out with stun grenades and subdue them.

Learning that her husband will be returning home, Melania Trump hurls herself from the 58th floor of the Trump Tower. Her fall is broken when she lands on protestors, crushing them but sustaining only bruises herself, which she treats with her signature line of caviar-based moisturiser. She is soon reported to be looking ‘fabulous’ if ‘a bit shaky’.

Informed that his wife leapt from the top of his tower, Trump tweets that she went out the 68th floor, which he continues to insist is the top floor, although there are only 58.

Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch swears Pence in as XLVIth President of the United States. Addressing a crowd of cheering, high-fiving Munchkins in the East Room to the song, ‘Ding Dong! The Witch Is Dead!’ Pence declares: ‘Our brief national nightmare is over.’

A puddle of unidentified matter is found in the office of Counsellor Steve Bannon after staffers hear shrieks from within of ‘I’m meltinggggg!’

Tweeting from the 58th floor of Trump Tower, former president Trump vows to sue Pence and ‘disgusting’ cabinet members ‘bigly’ for invoking “FAKE XXV-RATED AMENDMENT!!!”

Day 2: Before a Joint Session of Congress, Pence strikes a note of humility, telling them he is ‘A Pence, not a Pound,’ but most members, unfamiliar with British currency denominations, are puzzled. One asks if it is a reference to ‘that whacko poet we threw into the looney bin after world war two’.

President Pence vows to ‘carry on the important work [Trump] began’, including:
• ‘Undermining the world’s confidence in America as a reliable partner.
• ‘Abrogating, by force if necessary, existing trade agreements with Canada and Mexico.
• ‘Encouraging improved behaviour in dictators and tyrants by flattering their quote-unquote commitment to human rights, and inviting them to the White House.
• ‘Disapproving of the news media, who always focus on the negative instead of the positive.
• ‘Not believing America’s 17 intelligence agencies which, like the media, never have anything nice to say about our enemies.
• ‘Removing the stigma from groping the genitals of beauty pageant contestants.
• ‘Replenishing, not draining, the swamp, so all swamp creatures, reptilian and amphibian alike, can slither in the muck without friction as they move back and forth between government, Wall Street and K Street.
• ‘Reducing taxes on the already overburdened 1 per cent.
• ‘Stripping medical insurance from tens of millions of needy Americans before 2026.’

In his peroration, Pence pledges to carry on Trump’s ‘most enduring legacy — restoring vibrant and harmonious relations with our best-friend-forever, Russia’.

In a symbolic gesture, Pence invites Russian ambassador Sergey Kislyak to move into the White House. Kislyak, sitting beside Mrs Pence in the gallery, takes off his shoe and bangs it on the railing.

Day 3: Declaring ‘It is time for the nation to put on its big girl panties and move on’, Pence announces he is pardoning Trump. Special counsel Robert Mueller III protests, saying he has uncovered ‘mountainous evidence of criminality at the highest levels, including by that tit of a son-in-law’. Mueller is frustrated at his inability to find an attorney general to submit his report to, as all top-level Justice Department officials have now recused themselves. Holding his hands over his ears, Pence tells Mueller: ‘Lalalalala I can’t hear you, Bob.’

From Crimea, where he is opening his newest hotel, the Trump Tatar Golf Whorehouse, the former president tweets that the pardon does not affect his lawsuit against ‘Judas Mike’ for ‘WRONGFUL DISMISSAL!!!’ and makes an unflattering reference to Mrs Pence.

Day 6: Pence orders the Treasury to remove Alexander Hamilton from the $10 bill. Asked if he was prompted by the lecture he got from the cast of the Broadway musical, Pence knits his brow, shakes his head and, speaking even more slowly than usual, says: ‘No. No. No. No, no.’ He adds that he and his family ‘enjoy being hectored by actors of colour from the stage after a performance’, saying ‘it’s part of what makes this country so doggone special’. Asked who will replace the founding father on the $10 bill, Pence says either ‘The Lord’ or ‘The Dark Lord’. The White House clarifies that the latter refers to former vice president Dick Cheney.

Day 10: Pence nominates Comey to be his vice president, saying, ‘Everything I am today, I owe to Jim.’

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