High life

Here’s how I would deal with the dorks who spread lies online

Sue them for millions and if they don’t pay stick them in jail and throw away the key

27 February 2016

9:00 AM

27 February 2016

9:00 AM

One reason I do not tweet, text, use Facebook or Instagram, and only wield a mobile when a landline is unavailable, is that all of the above gadgets are free of anything that resembles a credible spoken word emanating from a disease-free brain. The mind-numbing gobbledygook that billions send back and forth constitutes a sort of tenth circle of Dante’s Inferno: oxygen-deprived brains, with their imaginations up their backsides, are strung out on their own solipsism; benighted, boring and brain-jolting in their braggadocio. Whew, I finally got that off my chest.

When I founded the American Conservative in 2002, and Takimag some time later, I became aware of the vast sea of envious discontents who spend their waking hours (about three to four) spouting hate against anyone and everyone they disagree with, be it in the area of politics, sport, or even favourite movies or cartoons. The first editor of Takimag ran comments that claimed I murdered babies in their cribs, had obviously killed my mother and father, and was the illegitimate son of a one-night stand between Stalin and Hitler. ‘It’s the sacrosanct right of reply,’ said the idiot when I gave him his marching orders. Ditto the second one. I finally had to resort to my own daughter, who filters some of the really bad ones.

What is it that makes nerds the world over accuse their betters (which they invariably are) of unspeakable crimes and perversions, and use language that would embarrass a lavatory attendant in a gay underground New York nightclub in the Seventies? Well, recently the good guys had a win, and for once I will not be magnanimous in victory but pray that the Harvard nerd that got caught will pay through the nose and then some. Here’s the scoop.


The actor James Woods is an MIT-educated man who I know slightly, having lunched with him a couple of times and having quite a few close friends in common. He is a very intelligent and cultured man, with a wonderful sense of humour and is as likely to be on drugs as I am to be on Diet Coke. An anonymous tweeter, however, claimed that Jimmy Woods was a cocaine addict, a charge that had absolutely no basis except that Abe List (a pseudonym) said so. James Woods is a public person and a very popular and respected actor, so a charge like that can have consequences. Studios are not anxious to hire coke freaks — something I know Woods is not because drugs have been discussed in his presence and he was adamant in his abhorrence of them.

So Woods sued to unmask the cowardly accuser hiding behind a false name, and a Los Angeles Superior Court judge agreed. Abe List’s true identity might soon be revealed. List conducted a malicious online

campaign intended to damage Woods’s reputation for no apparent reason other than envy, at least as far as I’m concerned. The star of films such as Salvador, Casino, Nixon and Once Upon a Time in America is such a pleasant man that no one, apart from an envious freak who has never met him, could possibly hate him. Or wish to spread lies about him.

And, sure enough, a maths dork linked to Harvard University’s website turns out to be the prime suspect. As of writing, no names have appeared. But I can see it as clearly as anything I’ve seen in this long life of mine: an ugly little man with a very tiny penis lying on an unmade bed eating peanuts and dreaming of being on a large patio next to a Beverly Hills swimming-pool with Hedy Lamarr stroking him while guitars play in the background. Well, it ain’t gonna happen, dork. But it has for Jimmy and that’s why you hate him and spread filthy lies about him. Your willy will get even tinier, if that’s possible, and girls will shun you even more, so get used to it. In the meantime, get ready to pay a $10 million fine for damaging a really nice man’s reputation.

Ah, bliss! At least if things go as I want them to. Abe List’s lawyer argues that the tweet calling Jimmy Woods an addict was hyperbole, not a statement. Oh, I see. Accusing Taki of murdering babies in their cribs and drinking their blood is hyperbole, but calling any grown man, especially a Hollywood star, an addict, has to be a statement. And there’s something more: Abe List insults Woods with a venom rarely seen even on the ghastly internet. ‘Scum’, ‘clown boy’ and other names I will not use in The Spectator are thrown around by someone I suspect doesn’t like Jimmy’s politics. Woods is a middle-of-the-road type, a Republican most likely, a persuasion still permitted in the US of A.

Not where the intolerant left is concerned. Woods said something in defence of the police and that triggered the avalanche of abuse and false accusations. Par for the course. Something must be done, needless to say, about the abuse and lies that can ruin a man’s life and career by the scum that use the internet to vent their frustrations and work through their complexes. I was planning to write about a famous fight between a billionaire and millionaire that supposedly took place in Gstaad last week, but after digging a bit, I discovered that nothing had happened. It was all hearsay and bullshit. Stick Abe List in jail unless he pays, and throw away the key. Viva, Jimmy Woods.

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Show comments
  • davidshort10

    And whoops this column is written by someone who likes to insult people. The column is written by someone who does not need the money and he has mentioned that he does not cash the cheques. He does not need to cash the cheques because he was born rich. Andrew ‘Brillo Pad’ Neill will not fire him. Wonder why?

    • JabbaPapa

      Do you seriously expect anyone to agree with your preposterous suggestion that those with too much money should be sacked from their jobs ???

      • davidshort10

        As opposed to being sacked from their what????????????????????

        • JabbaPapa

          So you’re just another stark raving ploutophobe, green with envious lust for what you will never have ?

          • davidshort10

            You seem to be a very angry person.

          • JabbaPapa

            My emotional state does not lead me to hope, much less openly suggest, that you nor any other complete stranger to me should be forcibly removed from their employment.

          • davidshort10

            Sorry about that. You are obviously just a nut job.

          • JabbaPapa

            And whoops this column is written by someone who likes to insult people <> You are a nut job

            And whoops your combox commentary is written by someone who likes to insult people.

            Never mind the hypocrisy and double standards, eh ?

          • davidshort10

            Troll. Troll.

          • Sanctimony

            Or even tralalla, trallala….

          • JabbaPapa

            Toilet roll. Toilet roll.

          • polidorisghost

            “You are obviously just a nut job.”
            Still at it Abe?

          • Todd Unctious

            Seems to be? He is.

          • davidshort10

            Go to church tomorrow. You will feel better.

          • Father Todd Untious

            Sadly we have the funeral for Father Hackett.

          • Sanctimony

            Was that father Peter Hackett SJ ?

          • Sanctimony

            I think we are probably in a transgender quandary here… There is no telling what gender JP, aka Woman in White etc, is… He or she claims to be a mystic celibate who experiences Marian visions, while on his or her knees, on her annual hair-shirted pilgrimages from her squat in Provence to Santiago de Compostela …

    • Sanctimony

      Because he costs the Spectator nothing… other than booze he quaffs at the annual party and he appeals to a gossipy element of the readership who much relish his demolition jobs on a lot of people we all love to loathe.

      Oh, and I forgot… he’s not a pompous old f@art and opinionated git… like you.

      • johnhenry

        Isn’t ‘Shorty’ the guy who lives in Liberia or Ghana or Coat of Ivory* and who calls Diana, the Princes of Wales.

        *Well, that’s how he spells it.

        • davidshort10

          Troll.

          • Sanctimony

            The usual response of the extremely dull-witted: JabbaPapa, Woman in White, Shortass etc…

    • polidorisghost

      “Andrew ‘Brillo Pad’ Neill will not fire him. Wonder why?”

      Because he is more entertaining than you? – a lot more

  • Todd Unctious

    I pride myself on valiantly challenging the forms who spread lies on the internet. It is very important to ensure that the truth is not undermined by the disgraceful trolls who haunt this and many other sites.

    • Andrew Cole

      Love the sarcasm and irony

      • Todd Unctious

        But surely you value my correcting of blatant untruths, like those peddled by Tammy,more.

        • Andrew Cole

          If you say so.

          • Todd Unctious

            Glad you agree.

      • Tamerlane

        He’s a Respect Party troll.

        • Todd Unctious

          That is the same tired lie you have trotted out for 8 months ,in the absence of a sound counter argument.

    • Tamerlane

      Nice and safe for you here my brave internet warrior. Why don’t you take your views over to Takimag?

      • Todd Unctious

        You know my views on Greeks, libertarians and racists. Why would I wish to to grace the marginalised ramblings of a daft cult that barely gets a couple of thousand readers? Taki preaches to the mouth breathers in the US. They are already beyond hope.

        • Tamerlane

          Your views on Greeks? Nope. Is it the same racist bilge you have against Russians? I think you’re chicken Yvonne/Barry… cluck cluck.

          • Todd Unctious

            I am most definitely not racist. You misunderstand my distrust of dishonesty. I think you are a pathetic shill.

          • Tamerlane

            Do you cut eye slots from your pillow cases oh Grand Vizier?

          • Todd Unctious

            Poor old Tammy with his lack of arguments, already onto the insults.

          • Todd Unctious

            You are a case in point Tammy. 70% of your posts are targeted directly at bad mouthing me. You are a despicable troll.

  • jim

    You just did the same thing to the unknown that the unknown did to Woods. I hope he sues you.

    • johnhenry

      It’s well nigh impossible to libel a pseudonym, which you would know if your brain wasn’t as microscopic as Abe List’s waterworks.

      • jim

        “It’s well nigh impossible” This is your brain on drugs.

  • charles kinbote

    I have to agree with dear old Taki: middle-of-the road is indeed a preferred location for Republicans, the better to be run over by a 10 tonne lorry.

  • Andrew Cole

    Had to laugh at an article completely focusing on people who lie about someone else. No factual evidence, no way of knowing and then read Taki say this guilty unknown to anyone person. Someone who had not been named yet had a small penis.

    Is this a pot kettle black scenario?

    The first half of the article is on the money though.

    • Mr B J Mann

      But he didn’t say he had a small penis, did he?

      He said:

      “But I can see it as clearly as anything I’ve seen in this long life of mine:……..:

      Which form of words is generally understood to mean “I see him as having….”, or “I picture him as having….”, ie “I imagine him as having…..”

  • davidshort10

    The author was born rich. Any argument there?

  • I miss that days when you were always in Private Eye.

  • Jackthesmilingblack

    Lying, delusional, fantasizing troll: You mean like Jack McNutter? The lunatic who for 12 years and literally hundreds of times insisted I was Japanese. Then a few months ago did a 180 degree turn and with equal certainty claimed I wasn’t Japanese at all, but an expat residing in Japan.
    However, the ex-banker originating from Billington on Tees are total fabrications. I’ve never knowingly set foot in Billington in my life.
    Jack, the Japan Alps Brit. Currently wintering in Penang

    • JabbaPapa

      I have a hateful stalker of my own to contend with. He’s posted some stuff in this thread, no doubt some of his usual moronic hate mail.

      Thankfully these days, there are browser add-ons that let you block all content from specific individuals.

      • Jackthesmilingblack

        My cyber stalker’s crazier than your cyber stalker.

        • Father Todd Untious

          Mine is more evil than crazy. A vindictive poor loser. He gets very angry if one criticises Hitler.

          • JabbaPapa

            Mine is an orange anorak.

          • Father Todd Untious

            I can’t believe he’s not Buddha.

          • JabbaPapa

            I think he has difficulty not believing it himself 🙂

          • JabbaPapa

            Speak of the anorak …

          • Sanctimony

            Hely Hansen… retails @ £ 499.00 at most mountaineering outlets… thanks for the plug !

      • Sanctimony

        Paranoid old boot… had any Marian visions lately ?

      • Barry Stuart-Hargreaves

        Tamerlane is not a stalker as such. He is a liar anda shill working for the Barclays. But I think he is getting snowed under with work as so many of us comment here and disagree with his bosses.

        • JabbaPapa

          Tamerlane’s your stalker, not mine.

          • Barry Stuart-Hargreaves

            So who is yours? Let’s share stalkers.

          • JabbaPapa

            This one : “Comment by Sanctimony blocked

      • Jackthesmilingblack

        The Japan Alps don’t exist.
        You couldn’t have taken the TransSiberian Express from London to Yokohama in 1970. And my all-time favorite,
        Guard at a Japanese WWII PoW camp.

  • David Beard

    The first editor of Takimag ran comments that claimed I murdered babies in their cribs, had obviously killed my mother and father, and was the illegitimate son of a one-night stand between Stalin and Hitler. ‘It’s the sacrosanct right of reply,’ said the idiot when I gave him his marching orders. Ditto the second one. I finally had to resort to my own daughter, who filters some of the really bad ones.

    To be truthful I would have thought better of you than that. Not the ‘murdering babies’ bit but giving those their marching orders for posting it. I thought the Right believed in free speech, especially when its black comedy. I mean come on, murdering and/or eating babies? Hardly an original way of monstering someone. They used to say it about the Jews back in London’s old east end.
    Laugh at them

  • davidshort10

    Accusing men of having a tiny penis? I think we know what that means. A famous rock star reportedly has one. Didn’t stop him having lots of mistresses and wives, of course. Because he is rich, though not born rich.

    • Todd Unctious

      What Rod Stewart?

      • Sanctimony

        Nah… Mick the Lip… according to Keef… Shorty above is obviously hung up about his own lack of length…. hence the 10mm in his own moniker !

        • Barry Stuart-Hargreaves

          Who the hey is Mick the lip?

          • Sanctimony

            Jagger… “tiny todger” were the words of his bandmate, allegedly….

  • Jackthesmilingblack

    Sad, delusional cyber stalkers that post libelous, illogical, contradictory and offensive comment, targeting one particular Internet correspondent, are suffering from an incurable malady.
    Firstly, unable to face their own miserable failure of a life, they transpose their life to their target scapegoat. Not married, living with parents, no car, criminal record, sexual deviant …
    Śecondly,

    • SunnyD

      one of your more introspective posts and a welcome read
      I haven’t seen nor read much of said individual, and I must admit to being curious as to the source of the angst

  • MrBishi

    I went and had a look at Takimag and this is the lead article:
    “Kanye West is Retarded.”
    Another rare quality on the bloggersphere is “self-awareness.

    • Tamerlane

      He is.

      • MrBishi

        I’ll bet you think irony is like silvery but not so bright.

        • Tamerlane

          You wouldn’t know irony if it got up and bit you in b@lls. And I’m not being ironic. Know what I mean?

          • MrBishi

            The Dunning Kruger effect provides a very comfortable environment.

          • Tamerlane

            Now that’s something you do know.

          • MrBishi

            I would explain about the benefits of study, but fear my advice would fall on stony ground.

          • Tamerlane

            Dear Bishi, so desperate for the last word.

          • MrBishi

            So you do appreciate irony after all.

      • flydlbee

        Don’t feed the troll. Bishi is just our resident half-wit.

        • Tamerlane

          Okay. Thanks. Will ignore.

  • plainsdrifter

    Well Taki, some of the comments here underline your basic point. Perhaps one or two will go the way of Brenda Leyland.

  • 42p0ner

    Taki wants to sound real cool with his luddite talk, but having it published on the Internet with a comment section shows him to be just another pompous, retarded fággot.

    • davidofkent

      I’m sure he is grateful to you for making his case.

      • Chamber Pot

        touche !

  • Janey Moen

    I don’t defend anyone who lies about others, online or elsewhere but the author seems disdainful of folks not part of his group of important acquaintances. Since forever JQ has been forced to endure self-proclaimed experts defining what constitutes worthy art, literature, profundity and even history. The cost of reproduction and distribution was too prohibitive to do anything but swallow and grumble. The web means JQ can afford to disagree and distribute his ideas and is not required to first gain permission from a university, publisher or any other self-proclaimed granter of power. That offends folks accustomed to having a large influence in their respective fields but probably no more so than JQ has been offended for thousands of years. As a tool, the web sucked the juice out of elitism. Whether that will be good or bad for humankind will not be determinable for hundreds of years.

  • Janey Moen

    I don’t defend anyone who lies about others, online or elsewhere but the author seems disdainful of folks not part of his group of important acquaintances. Since forever JQ has been forced to endure self-proclaimed experts defining what constitutes worthy art, literature, profundity and even history. The cost of reproduction and distribution was too prohibitive to do anything but swallow and grumble. The web means JQ can afford to disagree and distribute his ideas and is not required to first gain permission from a university, publisher or any other self-proclaimed granter of power. That offends folks accustomed to having a large influence in their respective fields but probably no more so than JQ has been offended for thousands of years. As a tool, the web sucked the juice out of elitism. Whether that will be good or bad for humankind will not be determinable for hundreds of years.

  • MIS_Prof

    “On the Internet, nobody knows you’re a dog”

  • Chamber Pot

    No, they hate him because he is not a brain dead, self-obsessed Hollywood luvvie, a bit like those twenty something Miss World contestants who persuaded us that they wished fervently for world peace.
    Woods is one of the few conservatives left in Hollywood and he is attacked for his views.

  • Abe Resurrection

    lol. thanks for this Taki, I’ve forwarded it to my attorneys since it completely undermines the actor’s case. xoxo

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