James Delingpole

Twenty things I will ban when I am elected your Dictator For Life in 2016

12 December 2015

9:00 AM

12 December 2015

9:00 AM

 
Things I am going to ban when, by popular acclaim, I am elected your Dictator For Life in 2016.
 
1. Onions where the brown skin doesn’t come off easily. You know the ones: where the papery outer layer clings so tightly that you have to pick it off laboriously with a sharp knife and it takes forever. I hate these onions so much. I’m pretty sure they’re all foreign, though I may be mistaken.
 
2. Slimline tonic water. (See also: Diet Coke; semi-skimmed milk) ‘Oh? Is it really? Sorry about that. I think it’s all we’ve got.’

‘Aspartame? Oh, is that not good?’


‘Not sure I can tell the difference, to be honest.’

‘Don’t blame me. I don’t get any say in the shopping. She buys it because she thinks I’ll lose weight.’

Look: if you’re going to make me a gin and tonic, make it properly: ice, high-end gin, boutique tonic, lemon not lime; or not at all.
 
3. I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. (See also: all reality TV; everything on boxed set.) I’m sure I’ve said it before, but seriously: it is such a huge waste of life. The other day, I actually found myself cogitating over why a man called Brian — of whose existence I had been blissfully unaware until the show started — had been booted off so shockingly early. I had a brain, once, which studied stuff like Gawain and the Green Knight and the Dream of the Rood. But then, if you believe the urban myth about all your cells replacing themselves every seven years, we’re talking four incarnations ago.
 
4. E-cigarettes. Cowards! Take your cancer and your shivering-outside-on-the-pavement social stigma like a man.
 
5. People who don’t go foxhunting. Hateful, hateful people.
 
6. Adverts in cinemas. (See also: Christmas ads.) I’m with the Church of England on this: there is no surer sign that the devil walks the earth. Also trailers which completely mislead you as to how good a film is going to be. Why oh why did I allow myself to be gulled into imagining that Black Mass would be up there with GoodFellas?
 
7. Cyclists. I’m sorry. I know at least one of you is my friend. But sometimes when you’re a dictator you have to take tough decisions for the good of all.
 
8. Students. Richard Dawkins is right: ‘A university is not a “safe space”. If you need a safe space, leave, go home, hug your teddy & suck your thumb until ready for university.’ I won’t ban universities altogether. But the entrance test will include an additional paper with searching questions on trans–gender issues, triggering and ‘rape culture’. Anyone who passes will automatically be disbarred.
 
9. That frightful woman who does BBC Radio 4’s Any Answers. She’s just awful: so hectoring and disapproving and opinionated in an all-too-predictable BBC direction. Any Answers is supposed to be where Real Britain responds to all the drivel they’ve been infuriated by on Any Questions. Not a place for them to get sneered at yet again.
 
10. Signs that begin: ‘For your comfort and convenience…’ before forbidding you from doing something that, actually, you’d find both comforting and convenient.
 
11. Stupid ‘house rules’. Especially the Free Parking one on Monopoly. This is where all fines are paid not to the bank but put in the middle of the board and given to whoever next lands on Free Parking. This has the same corrupting effect on the Monopoly economy as treasure ships laden with gold did on 16th-century Spain’s. Players no longer have to worry about affording new properties and become more careless of asking for trivial rents on undeveloped properties.Worst of all, though, it makes the game last about five times as long as it should. And it’s not as though Monopoly doesn’t already last too long even when you play by the rules.
 
12. Roibos. Not tea. Not even close. It tastes like grown-ups’ Ribena, with all the fun removed. With the additional misery that it doesn’t even give you a mild caffeine lift.
 
13. All jobs with the word sustainability, equality or diversity in the title.
 
14. Passed (American for died). Oh, he just passed, did he? That’s fine. Had he died that would have been really serious. Terminal, in fact. But if he’s just passed, well he’s obviously coming back. Isn’t he? He isn’t?? He’s dead??? Well why didn’t you just say so?
 
15. Drawstrings on pyjama bottoms.Yes, they ought to be a good old-fashioned, lovely thing. But not only is it far, far too easy to urinate on the loose string during your final pee before bed, but when you roll over in the night it sometimes flaps heavily against you and wakes you up.
 
16. Pop-up restaurants. Pop-up anything, actually. Do I really need to explain?
 
17. David Cameron and George Osborne. I know it’s a truism — but they really haven’t seized the Corbyn-shaped, once-in-a-millennium opportunity to start rolling back the frontiers of state, have they?
 
18. ‘No offence Dad, but…’ followed by something so unimaginably offensive you can’t for the life of you think why you didn’t send your children to the glue factory like you kept promising when they were little.
 
19. Pugs. I love them but a) I think we’ve long since reached peak pug and b) if they were banned, I wouldn’t be so bothered that I can’t afford £800-odd quid to buy one.
 
20. ‘Are you interested in a half-price bar of Galaxy with your purchase?’

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Show comments
  • blandings

    I didn’t know that some of these things existed: I mean, “pop-up” restaurant – What on earth is that? Is it one where you can’t go back for another go?
    Pyjamas? – Take my advice: Naked with a good woman.
    Tonic in your gin? Same advice as for pyjamas, really.

    • Kevin Ronald Lohse

      Naked with a bad woman – more interesting.

      • blandings

        To clarify Kevin: In my book a “good” woman is very bad indeed.

        • Callipygian

          Hey, blandings, nice to see you back!

          • blandings

            I missed you, so I thought i had better come and find you.

          • Callipygian

            Well I think you did the right thing! I missed you, too. Now don’t go running off again :^*

          • blandings

            OK
            PS I’m off to bed now

          • Callipygian

            Okey dokey. Sleep tight and breathe in that English woodsmoke- and star-air. Lucky you

          • blandings

            Hi C.
            Can I refer you to my reply to Damaris, or would you regard that as deeply “infra dig”, and would you still love me if I became a Catholic?

          • Callipygian

            Darling, I have no idea what you’re talking about, but I’m sure it is all swell and do whatever you think best : )

          • blandings

            I’ll take that as a yes.
            Back to bed I think – I have to drive to Nottingham in the morning, and that’s a long way in English.

          • Callipygian

            It’s a long way even in koine. Have a lovely time. What’s in Nottingham?

          • blandings

            A sheriff?
            Nah, my little sister-in-law.
            We’re taking her to Chatsworth House to see Xmas decs and market.

          • Callipygian

            I thought Chatsworth was in an entirely different part of the country!

          • blandings

            Another hour away.
            The things I do for my little sisters

          • Callipygian

            You’re over 60, aren’t you? How little can they be?!

          • blandings

            mid 40s
            Young and cute.

          • Callipygian

            I’m sure she would appreciate the description!

          • blandings

            The trouble with little sisters is that they remain little sisters forever.
            Chatsworth Xmas was on the theme of “Wind in the Willows” – designed for children and their grandparents:

            https://youtu.be/-t-HL8CBDqM
            I wouldn’t have paid the entrance fee but little sister had a corporate ticket. There is a family joke about Toad, ever since mother-in-law described me as Mr Toad following my antics on the road (Toot Toot! Get out of Blandings’ way! Mother-in-law aboard and she ain’t had her lunch!)
            Actually there is some pretty fine stuff to see at Chatsworth anyway. Have you ever been? The people who owned this place in its heyday had wealth beyond the imagining of your average modern day billionaire, and the likes of you and I wouldn’t have got much beyond the kitchens. I’ve read that Chatsworth was the model for Austen’s Pemberley – If you’re going to be a heroine you might as well aim big I guess.
            You know all this I suppose, but I’m just chatting.

    • Jackthesmilingblack

      Packing pajamas to go on holiday: I mean come on.

  • Using a mobile phone in public.

  • Train station. Iconic. Appropriate. Vibrant.

    • Teacher

      Yes, used to be station when I was a girl.

      • Kevin Ronald Lohse

        Or Railway station.

  • The ‘Church’ of England.

  • Teacher

    Traffic calming measures. Ugly as sin and cause traffic chaos.

  • KingEric

    Why is everyone who doesn’t go fox-hunting labelled as hateful? I have never been but fully support the hunters and think it’s the sab’s who are the loathsome, hateful people in all this.
    For me, it’s the car drivers who occupy the middle lane of motorways at some leisurely pace (i.e. slow) and never move in who should be banned from driving or even taken out and shot.

    • Kevin Ronald Lohse

      alongside people who never use the outside lane, even for overtaking.

  • Dhimmitude Ishere

    No. 9 is spot on although I think it could be usefully extended to include the increasingly self-satisfied and self-opinionated Jonathan Dimbleby.

    His aggressive and oh so politically correct contextualisation of any question that is itself mildly controversial or might elicit a response even slightly outside the BBC approved view has made Any Questions virtually unlistenable for me.

    Given the supposed impartial stance required of the BBC, one wonders why his ‘contributions’ aren’t investigated or is that just hopeless naivete on my part?

  • Nige Cook

    Are you going to replace Jean-Claude Juncker in 2016?

    • Kevin Ronald Lohse

      Junker does not need too be replaced, he needs to be not.

  • Pkh

    Solutions. Window-cleaning solutions. Shipping solutions. Educational solutions. Equipment rental solutions. Storage solutions. Transport solutions. Audiology solutions. Painting solutions. Landscaping solutions. Advertising solutions. …….. and all other “solutions”.

    • flipkipper

      I have the solution for yous mate. Disagree for once with the self(ie)-obsessed author and the nation as a whole.

      http://cdn.hexjam.com/editorial_service/bases/images/000/006/887/xlarge/tumblr_n8dl21CTAQ1qjnu3po1_1280.jpg?1412956963

      • eat your greens

        ‘Mate’, if you want to disagree with real people and their real concerns I recommend you go and visit Breitbart. There are shed loads of kumbaya leftards on there saying h*ll yeah and Amen to anything Kim Jong Kassam and his deputy, whose name escapes me just now, will deliver on a bot-like for bot-like basis.

      • Sue Smith

        Eeeeew. Another fetishized dog!! A picture of unalloyed ugliness.

      • Callipygian

        Adorable!

        • Sue Smith

          You’ve obviously set the bar quite low on what is beautiful.

          • Callipygian

            I also sleep with my dog. You’ve got problems. Get help.

          • Sue Smith

            That’s absolutely disgusting!!! Sharing a bed with a dog and you think I’ve got problems. You are living in a dog kennel.

            Read Evelyn Waugh’s “The Loved One”. But I think you are too far gone to get the ideas. Better still, ask the dog to read it to you.

        • hedgemagnet

          The word “Adorable!”

    • Harry Pond

      And its cousin ‘logistics’

    • Tom Sykes

      People run training courses for idiots on “solution selling”

  • bufo75

    A ban on Pugs !
    Well that’s your Christmas present gone.
    I’d bought you this sweet little one and called him “Toby”.
    Now I’ll just hang on to him, he’s so friendly.
    Traitor !

  • Mike P

    You forgot Brussel Sprouts!

    • Quoi???!!!
      When the days are shortening, and the gloom of late autumn is descending, and the prospect of many months of misery is massively manifest, the one consolation is the appearance in Sainsbury’s of God’s great gift to the English-speaking world –
      Brussels Sprouts!

  • davidshort10

    I don’t think this guy gets out much and he probably doesn’t have a proper job.

  • rationality

    Cant you ban Islam?

    • SonOfGud

      .. and anyone who says..
      ‘I is the RoP’
      or…
      ‘Terrorism is NTDWI’
      should have their lips sewn-up

    • Shazza

      And the BBC?

      • justejudexultionis

        Banning Islam and banning the BBC amounts to the same thing.

  • King Kibbutz

    UPVC doors and windows.

  • TrippingDwarves

    Aeroplanes. Airports. Runways. Cheap foreign holidays. Tacky tourists. And all the garbage that comes along with it.

    • Jackthesmilingblack

      Drunken, badly behaved western tourists are the new pollution in third world Asia. Low life Brits shouldn’t be allowed to travel outside UK.

      • TrippingDwarves

        Indeed. It’s a two-way flight path.

  • King Zog

    Meal Deals. You know the kind of thing, where you go to the till and the girl (sexist? – in my experience it really is usually a girl) says something like ‘If you get a drink you can have this for such and-such-price.” No thanks, I just want what I want, OK?

  • Jackthesmilingblack

    Imperial-metric measurement term mishmash.

  • Jackthesmilingblack

    Immigration and Customs officers named Mohammed (generic) at UK airports.

    • Sue Smith

      Awe, come on now. It’s the only time a muslim gets to feel up a woman!!!

  • You forgot the Environment, O God-emperor. Though I suppose sustainability is a bit of a catch-all.

    • Callipygian

      Nice to see you, Oz!

  • Jackthesmilingblack

    Finance houses that charge negative interest should be run out of town on a rail and dumped in the river. As example, Royal Scandia (Scamdia) on the Isle of Scam who charged me nine percent interest on a deposit account that never offered any return. Self-serving white-collar criminals one and all.

  • Jackthesmilingblack

    Non-life insurance, private pension companies with returns soaked up by fees and charges, that then further the rip-off with bent annuities should be put out of business. As example, Scottish Life (now Royal London) are really bent.
    Any finance house with “Royal” in the name should be rejected out of hand.

  • Callipygian

    Have to agree and disagree with at least two things on the God Emperor’s list.

    Agree: ‘Passed’. Passed what? Gas? I never… never never never never! say that someone has passed, whether they passed on or sideways or upwards or the salt. They DIED, and that is it. Americans are a lovely bunch of people but they have some strange customs that shall for ever remain mysterious. One is the love of pumpkin pie (the otherwise ever-erring Alexander Chancellor is nearly right about that, though my husband insists that a very high-quality pumpkin pie is a delight: he’s American-born, so who knows about that one). Another is the love of Oreo cookies (my husband: don’t even mention those unmentionables — so that’s all right, then). Another is the idea of grown-ups drinking milk, at any time for any reason (pass the sick bag). Another is… OK, I wasn’t born here and not everything makes sense to me.

    Disagree: Pugs. I have just bought the most adorable pug ballerina slippers you have ever seen in your life. And they’re patriotic: Marks & Spencer. I had ’em shipped to me here in America, not only the size 5s (my normal size) which just about fit my bare feet after much scrunching and squashing of the inner plushness, but the size 6s, which also just fit my bare feet (do these slippers shrink on contact, or what?). But I bought two pairs, since I love them so much. They even come with a stick-outy tongue and a tail.

    • Clem Fandango

      Oreos were a rip-off of a far superior brand called Hydrox. You could still get Hydrox in a few places up until a couple of years ago and they were like cookies should taste to people whose palates haven’t been formed on Hershey chocolate.

      • Callipygian

        I just mentioned that to hubby and he says ‘Yeah, I remember that!’ He hasn’t thought of them since the 70s. He admits that Oreos crumbled up in ice cream are just about OK but his taste in general runs to higher things.

      • Airey Belvoir

        I recently was dared to try deep-fried Oreos in America. Surprisingly good.

    • Sue Smith

      I’d like these because it would feel like you’re kicking a dog whenever you wear one.
      Did I ever tell you I despise dogs?

      • Callipygian

        Good lord. For your information I try to avoid picking up and instead covering over whenever possible. But dog people are expected to pick up and most of them do so. They don’t ENJOY it!

        Having a dog — and in particular, having MY dog — is worth all the inconvenience and even the less dignified bits. I have immense self respect and I have to say that my girl is one of the very best things in my life.

        • Sue Smith

          Picking up dog faeces in public is the absolute pits. For me, this would be the deal-breaker in dog ownership. It would have to go!!!

          We owned a farm and had Rhodesian Ridgebacks. As it was a farm the (last) dog had all the space in the world it needed and he loved to work and run!! But it was a nuisance and when we left the farm to move to the ‘burbs the dog had to go. One of my school students took it and she had an acreage. The last dog, Max, was bitten by a brown snake, caught mange from feral foxes and the vet bills were endless. It also barked at people when they tried to talk to us. I grew resentful of it and was glad when it went. Dogs should not dominate the lives of humans, but know their place outside.

          People do love their animals; I get that. What I don’t get is them putting them before human beings and human interaction, fetishizing (read Waugh’s “The Loved One”) and having a ‘love me/love my dog’ attitude. Besides, I want a peaceful life and instead have to listen to my neighbours’ dogs endless barking when a leaf moves or during a thunderstorm, when somebody passes by – whatever. I’m sick of it.

          • wibbling

            Dog was badly trained. My Newfoundland’s don’t bark at all. At anyone. When they guard, it’s physical imposition. When they want attention (to poo or wee), they go and sit by the door.

            It all comes down to training.

      • Ivor MacAdam

        We used to have an institution called a “Dog-Licence”. It cost one and threepence. It should be re-introduced, with an appropriate raise in fee.

        • Sue Smith

          Agree! In Australia people can have 3 or more dogs on a suburban block – no matter how small those blocks. We go for walks around our area and you can hear the nasty little dogs snarling and barking behind the fences as you are going past, minding you own business. The Census taker told me he had been bitten quite a few times by the vicious little vipers. And the owners are out at work all day and the neighbourhood is alive with the sound of barking dogs. It’s truly dreadful.

          New people have moved behind us into the 1 acre block. We’ve had peace there for 6 years with no dogs and now the new owners have one of those nasty little toy dogs, which are really cats in size (but sans the placid disposition). This ‘collared rat’ (as we call them) runs along the fence line snarling and barking. It’s their default position, even when a leaf moves. Horrible beyond belief.

    • Ron Todd

      I think pumpkin pie is their equivalent of our sprouts they are expected to eat it they are not expected to enjoy it.

      • Callipygian

        Believe it or not, Ron, I love sprouts and my husband genuinely loves GOOD pumpkin pie. But note the emphasis on GOOD. I learned a long time ago that foods I thought I didn’t like were actually delicious so long as they were done right. This allowed me to claim brownies as potentially edible, along with peanuts (in the form of roasted, lightly salted Virginia peanuts). A bad pie is a torment. A good pie is heaven.

  • Tamerlane

    Twitter. You forgot Twitter.

  • Dominic Stockford

    I’ll vote for that dog, he’d be a better PM than…

    • Sue Smith

      “He may have hair upon his chest,
      But, sister, so has Lassie” (Cole Porter)

  • ohforheavensake

    Thought you’d ban science, James. It does keep on proving you wrong.

  • Picquet

    Oh yes. All of those, plus Cats; death to.
    And Politicians. Heads on spikes at London Bridge. Every single, national, regional and local one of the foul bastards.

    • Ivor MacAdam

      Civil Servants make up their own rules, Mr. Picquet. And these days, they rarely serve; and are rarely very civil.

  • Sue Smith

    Things to ban?
    1. Dogs
    2. Dogs
    3. Dogs
    4. Dogs
    5. Dog-owners
    6. Barking
    7. Excrement
    8. Urinating against the wall in Vienna apartment buildings, leaving foul and permanent stains
    9. Dogs
    10. Dogs

    • Ron Todd

      Ban dogs in urban areas allow them in the country.

      • Sue Smith

        Precisely. You know what; they love to work and run!! See a dog on a farm, rounding up sheep and cattle, and you’ll see a very happy dog. Not like their neurotic urban counterparts who attack people, including children, because of their neuroses.

        My sister has two cats who live in Sydney with her and have never seen outside. I was there on Tuesday and both seemed terrified and depressed when my husband and I arrived. I observed to him, “I’d say both cats are depressed”. Tell me I’m wrong, but this is an animal welfare issue. Cats love to be outside, climb trees, hunt mice and sleep in the sun in the garden. At least they did this on our farm. One used to sit on a fence post at the same time each evening looking for mice!! When the spring brought lizards and skinks out, both cats spent the day in a screened area attached to our double garage during the day to protect the local wildlife.

    • Mary Ann

      I get this vague impression that you don’t like dogs, neither do I, guide dogs exempted, they are beautifully trained.

      • Sue Smith

        Well, I’m glad we agree on something. It’s people who are the problem – allowing dogs free reign (no pun intended), making little or no attempt at control, lack of consideration for others and their amenity, the threatening nature of dogs when people enter a private property. And, worst of all, the “love me/love my dog” (what passes for) mentality.

        I say PUT PEOPLE FIRST. And people can talk!!!

    • justejudexultionis

      What have you got against Barking? Is it worse than Upminster or Slough?

      • Sue Smith

        Barking is dreadful and calculated to disturb. That you don’t get that means you’re part of the problem and not the solution. I don’t know Upminster or Slough. I’m from Sydney.

        • tompiper

          Is it worse than Claymore or Penshurst then?

    • Tom Sykes

      Cats kill.

      • Sue Smith

        Yes, that’s right – they rip the head off babies and/or maim them. Dogs have killed plenty of children. Neurotic, spoilt, pampered and dominant dogs – kept by the same kind of owners – often attack children and people causing death or major injury. There is no such record of a cat doing this.

        Call nurse; you need your meds.

  • Mnestheus

    People to ban from Pugs :

    Delingpole

    Climate bores who pull long oars

    Delingpole

    Hunters who took bloody thirty years to bloody well get bloodied

    Delingpole.

    ( That’s enough– Ed.)

  • pedestrianblogger

    I would ban the word “so”. It is a very useful word and would be missed but at least we wouldn’t have to hear idiots starting sentences with it when to do so is not only utterly meaningless but a calculated insult to the intelligence of the listener.

  • tompiper

    Has anybody banned the politicos who say that whatsit ‘…is a religion of peace?

    Bags I if not.

  • tompiper

    1. Women who take around twenty-fours sifting through their purses to thimble out the exact change.
    change

    2. Ditto those have a dozen credit cards, elven of which are over the limit and spend several lifetimes trying and failing to find the one that isn’t.

    3. Ditto those stay chatting the checkout assistant after doin both 1. and 2. blocking your way as your vegetables come tumning along.

    4. All %&fing stupid worthless reward vouchers that 1, 2 and 3 have accumulated in their junk-filled bags and tender out of date in the wong supermarket.

    5. Automatic checkouts that have been programmed by passive aggressive geeks to inflict suffeing on any shopper who wants to get out of the place pronto.

    • Sue Smith

      Hilarious!!!

    • Mary Ann

      Men who do the same things.

      • Nick

        Ah, but men don’t….

    • 6. People who stand behind everybody else in items 1 – 4 and can’t be bothered to have a credit card ready for use as soon as the total bill is calculated.

      7: Till staff who can’t work out simple maths if you add the necessary pennies to your paper money in the hope you won’t end up with a pocket full of small change.

  • Ivor MacAdam

    Hey! It’s “Old Dellers’ Almanac”! Love it! Compliments of the season, sir.

  • Freddythreepwood

    Trial by tweet. Viral. Tweeting. Tweeters. Faceache.

  • Jonathan Tedd

    Banning “like” in conversation.

    • Frank Marker

      Terrible expression. I am amazed at the amount of intelligent people who pepper their conversations with it. It appears to have supplanted ‘you know’. I would also ban ‘bruv’. I am not your ‘bruv’ and will never ever be either.

    • Tom Sykes

      That is awesome. In fact amazing.

  • njt55

    It’s “Rooibos”

  • Binky Tatler

    Hospital shops that charge extortionate prices knowing full well people have no options….Shame on them.

  • justejudexultionis

    Ban the use of the following terms:
    1. Boots on the ground
    2. Have a go hero
    3. National treasure
    Anybody who uses these noxious phrases should be thrown immediately off the top of the Shard.

    • Cumberland

      Need to book it early, I understand another group requires it for a similar operaion.

    • Tom Sykes

      “National Treasure” is now only used to describe self important game show hosts who often are given incorrect information by their team of researchers on QI.

  • Sean L

    If you cut the onion in half, having first sliced off the stem end – I slice off both ends, root and stem – then the skin comes off easily, whatever its quality. That’s how they do it in professional kitchens, where you might be prepping a sack of onions.

    • Suzy61

      Quite right Sean.

      • Sean L

        Thank you chef.

  • English man

    How about adverts in general?

  • kevinlynch1005

    21. People who can’t spell eg. roibos (sic).

  • wudyermucuss

    Ah yes,nothing like hunting a terrified animal and then ripping it to shreds.

    • The_greyhound

      The time has come to arm the foxes in the struggle.

  • Nick

    Lefties…..

  • Davidh

    21. Columnists who feel the festive season entitles them to produce sub-standard work.
    Writers who for the rest of the year have been quite entertaining and intelligent, suddenly think it’s fine to regurgitate a load of predictable drivel, along with a silly photo of a dog in hat. Because it’s Christmas.

  • The_greyhound

    One hundred posts, and somehow “Telemachus” got overlooked.
    And for my well-deserved bonus, all “comedians” on the BBC.

  • wibbling

    Could I add ‘airport security for obvious non threats’. I.e, me. The most tedious traveller going.

    And disembarking from a plane. A passenger should have ten seconds to get their kit and be ready to disembark. Take any longer – to put a coat on, or brush your beard, adjust the belt and you’re out, and sit down while the rest of the passengers get off and are not held up by your shuffling silliness.

  • eclair

    Dont wear pyjamas, you’ll stop being smelly, sleep better then not give a damn about the rest. Men who wear pyjamas are strange, with an over protected sense of decency. Great shame James, another bit of male crumpet bites the dust.

  • QED

    Richard Dawkins’ aposite observation is brilliant, but banning students won’t solve the problem. It used to be the job of the Universities to open closed minds, so rather ban all University administrators who tolerate the notion that their institutions should provide a “safe space” for these minds. I must also add a pernickety comment about rooibos tea, if you want to ban it you will need to learn how to spell it.

  • Migru Ghee

    Funny list. As a frequent flyer I particularly agree with the author’s observation of an unnamed high street retail chain advertising half price chocolate (or the Telegraph) when making a purchase in its airport stores. Such an approach discredits the product offered at reduced price immensely as it makes it appear overpriced to start with.

  • If the country hadn’t become so horridly overcrowded, most of the conflicts between cyclists and car drivers would not occur. Cycling is a harmless and healthy way to get about and if more of us did it every day instead of rushing to the shops in a car, we would all be a lot better off. I have to say, bad cyclists annoy me as much as any other type of @—-holes do, but to be fair, they are a heck of a lot less dangerous than the same ‘types’ who happen to be in cars and as a driver, a motorcyclist, and a cyclist, I have come across vastly more motorised nutters than I have the ones on two wheels with pedals. The relative risks caused by inconsiderate and dangerous cyclists and inconsiderate and dangerous drivers are so different that the fuss about cyclists is clearly down to the annoyance grid locked drivers feel when they see someone wheeling along using their body rather than suffering sclerotic blood clots in their cars as they are.

    • Wonga.gov

      You are absolutely right but there is a difference between cycling and Cyclists. Cycling is when people get on a bike to go somewhere. Cyclists are people who put on lycra ball-bag hugging outfits and parade about on the highway.

  • Michael Kingscott

    #18 😀 I cannot fault a single thing here, apart from scrapping benefits is missing, or at least give pre-paid welfare cards for food and non-alcoholic drink. Also, IQ tests before people are allowed to breed. And no speed limits on the motorway. And leave the EU. I could go on…

    • William Matthews

      Bikini Wednesdays for all women over 18 and under 50? Just a thought. We should rename all other countries ‘Abroad’? I also think leaving the Americans to the task of teaching the world to speak English has failed. We should take back that task once again, and resort as once was so successful, to using guns and cannons as a primary teaching aid. Did I mention Bikini Wednesdays? It would brighten up the whole week. That and four day weekends.

      • Ade

        So the week would go: Sat, Sat, Sun, Sun, Weds, Weds, AK47 Training Day?

        Bring it on!

        • William Matthews

          If you want an AK47 day, I’ll leave Thursdays open. Nothing really ever happens on a Thursday. But really Ak47s? I was thinking naked busty women jelly wrestling, but each to their own.

      • grammarschoolman

        Make it Friday, so that they can also be made to gather in mosques during prayers. That’d show the burka brigade.

        • William Matthews

          I’ll be banning the whole Islam thing. They’ve had 1,400 years and and it hasn’t panned out for the best. Fridays will be compulsory Bacon and Beer days, under pain of death.

    • douglas redmayne

      Well speed kills and if you like speed then you deserve the risk associated with it and the likely outcome.

  • rockylives

    Spot on about the dreadful Any Answers woman (Anita Anand).

    Half the time she’s too thick to understand the point the caller is making and if she suspects they hold views that deviate her outlook (leftist, hand-wringing, spiteful and virtue signalling) she starts attacking the caller.

    All leftist callers, naturally, are indulged and their views are never questioned except in the gentlest of terms.

    When they have other hosts on AA (Julian Warwicker?) the programme at least resembles an impartial call-in.

    It’s simply mind-boggling that Anand is retained as presenter of the programme. She drives a cart and horses through the impartiality regulations every time she’s on it (left hand drive, naturally).

    I actually wouldn’t mind so much if she was an intelligent, left-leaning journalist, but her inability to grasp either the issues or the callers’ responses to them is inexcusable.

  • Andrew Morton

    I have it on good authority that lemon only goes into drinks that have lemonade as a mixer. So it’s lime for gin and tonic…..heathen 🙂

    • Bertie

      Are you sure.

      Tends to be “Lime” in US, “Lemon in UK and Commonwealth”

      Lemon tends to go better with gin anyway.

  • Tom Sykes

    Police officers wearing Hi-Viz Day-Glo jackets in shopping centres because they are aware of some frightful hazard the rest of us have missed.

    Patronising motorway signs that say “lets all arrive safely” in case I was thinking of having an accident.

    “Baby on board” car stickers that put me off just when I was deciding which other driver to shunt at 60mph.

    Train announcers who refer to the “next station stop”.

    Anything with Richard Branson.

    “Our staff have a right not to be attacked or insulted at work” – so don’t you dare complain about slack service at the Post Office counter.

    “Please drive safely my mummy works here” – No she doesn’t. When I do occasionally see anyone working here it will be a man.

    • Peter Simple

      On the subject of hi-viz jackets, I recently saw footage on the BBC of a female member of the British armed forces helping ashore migrants in Cyprus wearing DPM camouflage AND a hi-viz vest. One hardly knows where to begin.

  • douglas redmayne

    Banning all politically correct turds who take offence and scream racist at the drop of a hat. Secondly Network Rail who close down the rail network at Christmas.

  • Hamburger

    Re 15. Real men wear nightshirts.

  • Bobd06

    I hate onions like that too.

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