Features Australia

Speccie scoop: Snowden files in full

4 January 2014

9:00 AM

4 January 2014

9:00 AM

In a world exclusive, The Spectator Australia today publishes highlights of the remaining 19,999 files of Australian intelligence stolen by NSA fugitive Edward Snowden; which we secretly stole from him before he could secretly give them to the Guardian so that they could secretly give them to the ABC so that they could secretly bring down the Abbott government. We have undertaken this brave journalistic endeavour purely out of altruistic concerns for the public interest, rather than any crass commercial reasons such as trying to flog our new app. (New SpeccieSnowden app now on sale for a never-to-be-repeated discounted price of $999.99!)

Regarded by intelligence experts as the most damaging occurrence ever to hit our national security agencies since they were nearly wiped out by Wayne Swan over six successive budgets, it can now be revealed that:

In 1998, whilst experimenting with a highly advanced prototype of a new secret bugging mechanism which was so unobtrusive yet powerful that it could transmit sound and moving pictures from a tiny fibre-optic cable hidden within the tip of a cigar, Australian intelligence agencies stumbled upon a secret liaison between then US President Bill Clinton and his 22-year-old intern, Monica Lewinsky. Sadly, the prototype device was never retrieved.

In 2002, in an extraordinary breach of international laws and treaties designed to protect the fundamental human right of respect for the dignity of individual privacy and religious freedom of expression, Australian spy agencies outrageously bugged the mobile phones of innocent Balinese shopkeepers Achmed Al Jihadi, Mohammed Bin Bombmaker and Izri Atta Terrorist, including illegally taping conversations with their beloved spiritual elder Abu Blow-Ehm Allup. Through a comprehensive study of the files, we can now reveal that these illicit tappings were so intrusive as to infringe upon normal, everyday and mundane activities such as the inoffensive ordering of six packs of fertiliser for the communal gardens, the unexceptional repairing of a damaged laptop, harmlessly Googling a list of Western-style funky all-night bars and purchasing an innocent alarm clock.


In late 2002, in a case of disgraceful racial profiling, Australian spy agencies were ordered to mount round-the-clock surveillance on a mystery target identified merely as ‘Hussain’ in a bizarre covert operation known as ‘Protecting the Ashes’. Believed to have been authorised at the very highest levels of the Howard government, indeed by the then Prime Minister himself, Australia’s top intelligence network were instructed to decode a series of mysterious conversations, in which the target Hussain, also referred to as ‘Nasser’, can clearly be heard loudly blaspheming, smashing up the hotel mini-bar and angrily berating himself for ‘letting Australia open the f—king batting after I won the bloody toss.’

In 2003, rumoured to be at the behest of then foreign minister Alexander Downer, Australian spy agencies were ordered to develop a bugging device ‘suitable for surviving constant manhandling when attached to the flimsiest lingerie.’ Transcripts from the Snowden files suggest the device was urgently dispatched in a diplomatic pouch to the Australian mission at the United Nations in New York, in violation of all international protocols, before being ‘put into field’ at an undisclosed gentleman’s venue codenamed ‘Scores’ in the Chelsea red-light district. Unfortunately, the unit abruptly short-circuited when it unexpectedly came into contact with a pair of extremely sweaty palms and most of the original material was lost. The remaining archive material mysteriously disappeared in the early hours of 25 November 2007, moments after Prime Minister Kevin Rudd’s landslide victory.

In 2006, also at the behest of the Howard government, Australian intelligence experts designed a secret brainwave-monitoring device that was so technologically advanced it could be unobtrusively inserted into the ear of a suspect target in order to monitor their every thought, no matter how random or chaotic those thought patterns may be. The hi-tech experiment was swiftly abandoned after video emerged of one of the prime targets suddenly becoming suspicious, digging around and dislodging the device from his own ear with his finger, and eating it.

In 2009, on direct orders from within the highest levels of the Rudd government,
a covert operation codenamed ‘Programmatic Specificity’ was launched that involved the programmed surveillance and specific electronic bugging of any and all mobile phones connected with ‘that Bambang bloke, his friggin’ missus and any other ratf—ker that happens to have anything to do with either of them.’ Although subsequently heavily redacted, the files appear to concentrate specifically on gathered intel regarding the selection of proposed gifts to be presented to the Obamas at the forthcoming APEC summit.

In 2011, in a flagrant breach of diplomatic protocols with one of our closest neighbours, the Gillard government ordered an urgent covert ‘seek and destroy’ mission targeting an individual believed to be of grave and imminent danger to the Australian national interest ‘currently hiding out with his floozy in some bar in Malaysia’. Codenamed Operation Bagman, the files suggest Australia’s spy agencies were operating under panicked orders to ‘find the little prick with the moustache and either make him shut the f—k up about the slush funds or at least tell us which friggin’ garden he buried all the cash in.’

In 2013, on direct orders from the highest echelons of the department of foreign affairs in the Abbott government, Australia’s intelligence networks were ordered to immediately begin tapping the mobile phones of Australia’s ‘dearest friend’ Marty Natalegawa, his missus, and anyone he regularly consorted with in order to determine whether or not he had ‘swallowed all that guff we fed him about us never spying on Indonesia again.’

Rowan Dean’s ‘Beyond Satire — Julia Caesar & the Kevin Sutra’ (Connor Court) is highly suitable for reading lying on a beach somewhere.

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