Picture the scene. Jack is having a can of Balter beer; Jill is having an Aperol spritz. They are sitting on the newly refurbished deck at the Marrickville Golf Club, admiring the view enhanced by the remodelled landscaping. Their dog, Molly, is enjoying the dog station. How good does it get?

They should probably write a thank-you note to the taxpayers of Australia, although the local member, Anthony Albanese, is taking all the credit. It was lucky the New South Wales government chipped in to fix up the sewerage system – no more septic tanks for this golf club.

This scene is being repeated in most Labor-held federal seats plus a few marginal ones. It’s not just golf courses, but refurbished swimming pools, a reworked roundabout, a new community centre. Pretty much anything goes in the non-competitive Major and Local Community Infrastructure Program – monies allocated being $560 million – if they were mentioned during the election campaign.

This massive vote-buying scam was devised by Labor Head Office with a view to holding as many seats as possible as well as winning some more. We know this because the Member for Ballarat, Labor’s Catherine King, told us. She was remarkably frank about how the whole process works.

Public servants simply rubber stamp the applications, no questions asked. The success rate of the non-competitive program is close to 100 per cent. Gosh, those overworked staff members in the Department of Infrastructure, Transport, Regional Development, Communications, Sport and the Arts – I didn’t just make up that title – must be developing a form of repetitive stress injury from all that stamping.

Now according to Murray Watt, the current Environment Minister – he can always be relied on to convey the government’s current talking points – there is nothing to see with this non-competitive program.

Indeed, according to this philosopher-king, this is how democracy should work. Promises are made during election campaigns, and these are then fulfilled after winning government. There’s no mention of the conscription of taxpayers into this process; it’s just how it must work. Evidently, we should all be happy funding Jack and Jill to enjoy themselves at the Marrickville Golf Club.

The real trouble in Watt’s mind is the competitive grants because there are hidden influences on which grants get up. It was therefore fair enough that Bridget McKenzie was forced to resign over a grant of a mere $36,000 to a gun club of which she was a member, but there is nothing to see in $6 million being handed out to a golf club in the Prime Minister’s seat.

Is this a joke? Am I being pranked? It’s OK for $560 million to fly out the door without any questions asked about value for money or who is really gaining from the individual grants, but questions must be asked about a competitive grants scheme. Let’s get real: it’s all ‘grey corruption’ – a term used by Professor Anne Twomey – it’s just that no one is likely to refer any of the grants to the anti-corruption authority.

While it was fair enough for Helen Haines to be raising some points of concern about the probity of the grant to the Marrickville Golf Club, seeking federal funds for projects in her electorate is one of her main occupations.

Overall, she has requested funds of nearly $1 billion for projects to be spent in the electorate of Indi, including $10 million for the Prosecco Trail. And evidently, some ski resorts need urgent funding for upgrades. It was just unfortunate that this emerged in the context of the alleged attempt on her life.

Mind you, it was hard not to choke on my morning cup of coffee when Albo rationalised the release of the dirt sheet on Haines. ‘It’s a list of funding from Helen Haines, just showing that people of integrity stand up for their electorate. There is no personal criticism of her. Helen is a strong advocate for her electorate. She’s advocated for funding for projects in her electorate.’ Give us a break, Albo: we didn’t come down with the last shower.

The big picture here is that community infrastructure spending by the federal government has got completely out of control.  There is no way that the federal government should be funding any of this stuff – it’s up to state or local governments or the members of these clubs and organisations or not at all.  The amount of cost-shifting that is going on is monumental.

Incidentally this type of federal spending is almost certainly unconstitutional because there is no head of power that would permit it. The trouble is that no one has any incentive to make this legal challenge.

The one time this did occur – it was in relation to the federally funded School Chaplain program in the Howard years – the High Court found that, indeed, the funding was unconstitutional. But anyone hoping for a vote-winning future grant to fund some local initiative – photo opportunities guaranteed – won’t be objecting.

Just take this little homily from B2, Tony Burke, Minister for Home Affairs and whole lot of other things. ‘Tony has been advocating for his local area to receive its fair share of government funding. Since 2022, Tony has secured over $30 million to better improve local amenities. This includes funding for local schools, parks and infrastructure projects.’ Since when should the federal government be providing funds for local schools and parks?

But let’s be clear on another point: the Coalition is in on this racket too, it’s just that they are not currently the government.  Their criticism of the grant to Albo’s local golf club has not really been about the grant per se, but the fact that sewerage was not part of the deal.

The scale of pork-barrelling might have been slightly less when the Coalition was last in power, but the principles (or lack thereof) and motivations are essentially the same. Taking a lend of taxpayers works for both sides of the House.

You only need look through the websites of any federal parliamentarian to see the brags about the projects that have been secured. Indeed, around the corner from where we live is a massive group of netball courts with underground parking. There used to be a tranquil lawn bowling green on the site, but that was simply demolished.  Thanks to the former member of our electorate who persuaded a Coalition treasurer to hand over the dough.

And it didn’t end at netball courts. We have the lights at Manuka Oval. We have the refurbishment of several training fields and change rooms used by Australian Football League teams. And to think, the AFL is one of the richest sporting codes around and yet the taxpayer was expected to pitch in big time to fund its preferred projects.

What really is emerging is a huge conspiracy against the taxpaying public, with favours heading in the direction of maximising votes. There is no acknowledgment of the real cost of these projects and the implicit need for more revenue from the taxpayer, both now and in the future. But until we hear some common sense from one side of politics – it’s unlikely to come from Labor – it’s impossible to see this destructive process ending any time soon.