‘Daft’ is such a wonderful word. Not for the first time, I’ve wished I was from Yorkshire, so that I could say it with its full gumption and contempt. It’s not used as much as it should be, and the reason may be that practically everybody’s daft right now – metaphorically picking their nose and chewing it, and being very pleased indeed with the result. As Wet Wet Wet almost sang, daft is all around us – and one of the most exquisite examples has just been served up by the ubiquitous actress Olivia Colman, who says: ‘I’ve always described myself to my husband as a gay man.’ This is not actually as much fun as the Daily Mail headline (‘Olivia Colman, 52, says she feels nonbinary and describes herself as a “gay man” to her husband’) but as Colman has three children, it’s either a miracle of science or someone is off with the fairies – and not in a wholesome, queer way, but in a very daft way indeed.
Colman was speaking to the ‘Them’ website (tagline: ‘Get the best of what’s queer’) to promote a forthcoming project, described in a dismayingly obedient way by the Daily Mail:
‘Olivia’s comments come as she stars in new queer film Jimpa which tells the story of Hannah (Colman), mother to nonbinary child Frances (Aud Mason-Hyde), as they travel to Amsterdam to visit Frances’s grandpa Jim (John Lithgow)… the film is directed by and based on Sophie Hyde’s real-life experience, with Jim based on her own “gay activist” father, and stars her own trans non-binary child Aud Mason-Hyde as Frances’. (Sounds a ruddy riot)
Colman opines:
‘Throughout my whole life, I’ve had arguments with people where I’ve always sort of felt nonbinary. I’ve never felt massive feminine in my being female. I’ve always described myself to my husband as a gay man. And he goes, “Yeah I get that.” And so I do feel at home and at ease. I don’t really spend a whole lot of time with people who are very staunchly heterosexual… the men I know and love are very in touch with all sides of themselves. I think with my husband and I, we take turns to be the “strong one”, or the one who needs a little bit of gentleness. I believe everyone has all of it in them…I came away from making this film with, yeah, I knew I wasn’t alone.’
Just look at the daftness of that statement. For a start, has Colman really spent ‘her whole life’, which has mostly been in show business, arguing while feeling ‘nonbinary’? I frankly find it hard to believe. When did she find time to learn all those lines and bring up three children? Secondly, we’re always hearing centrist libs moaning on about how ‘divisive’ public life is (AKA they can’t get over losing Brexit, which had they won by the same margin would have been lauded as an act of ‘national unity’, and the working-class expected to shut up and lump it). Then someone like Colman will boast about not spending time with people who are ‘staunchly heterosexual’. Does she think it’s catching? Lord forbid she might ever have to spend time with bin men and firemen and all types of men known for being awful masculine types, forever flaunting their binary strength by stopping society from going to pot.
The sense of ‘specialness’ this very ordinary woman possesses is extraordinary. Look at her and Him Indoors taking it in turns to be ‘the strong one.’ Does she not think that practically all long-term couples are like that? Or does she really believe the majority of men in the non-thespian world strut around doing the ‘Me Tarzan, you Jane’ act? Where has this woman been for the past 50 years?
Colman boasts about not spending time with people who are ‘staunchly heterosexual’. Does she think it’s catching?
There are two aspects to this. Everyone wants to feel interesting; no one wants to be a bore. I have a naughty friend who says ‘No, I have a personality instead’ whenever asked in a restaurant if she has allergies, and though I knowthat allergies are real, and can actually kill a tiny minority of people, I don’t believe for a minute that everyone who claims to have them really does. They just want to sound special; the same with the thousands of fidgets who say they have ADHD. If you are dull, playing the old queer card is always the first go-to.
But to get back to the unique wonder that is Olivia Colman (these special folx can all seem so alike – funny, that). As well as not wanting to be thought boring, there’s also what we can broadly call the ‘Please don’t shoot me’ angle.
Uncultured people like me, when we hear the Diverse Folx Community going on in support of, say, Gaza (Queers for Palestine, indeed) have an annoying but hard to contradict habit of smirking: ‘You’d be the first up against the wall – to be shot’. Famous actors are incredibly privileged people – they love what they do and get paid a fortune. In the case of Colman, she is never off screens both big and small, and has continued to do highly lucrative voice-overs for television commercials even when famous – notably, saying ‘Be kind to your behind’ for Andrex and playing a gorilla for Glade air fresheners. Then of course there was that British Airways one, which she appeared to have abandoned – or ‘suspended’ – her eco-warrior principles for. By ‘othering’ herself, she becomes a crafty chameleon, indicating that she is not really a filthy rich, highly privileged member of the cultural ruling class – but a rebel. Even better, a gay man, making a fortune playing ladies. Please don’t shoot me – I’m a folx!
We expect most actors to say daft things. (‘Most’ are; the three beautiful and brilliant actresses I am friends with are eye-wateringly blunt and devilishly, un-wokely witty, but they are all of working-class origin which – excuse my prejudice – generally acts as a vaccination against daftness, though a few slip through the net, as will be seen in Gareth Roberts brilliant new Substack series, ‘Working Class Zeroes: The Worst Sell-Outs And Toadies in Britain.’) It comes from spending most of your life learning, memorising and speaking the words of others. When your script is suddenly not there, you may feel that you need to say something eye-catching for fear of coming across as dull – and so you come out with tripe like claiming to be your husband’s gay boyfriend.
In a profession where long unions are unusual, I sympathise with Colman. I too have been with my husband for 30 years. Those who ‘chop and change’ (a phrase with unfortunate connotations in these ‘nonbinary’ times, but still) may consider us stick-in-the-muds. It’s tempting to undermine their scorn. But though Mr Raven is stoic and slow to anger – the way I like ‘em – I feel that even he might be tempted to tell me to pull myself together if I started describing myself as his gay boyfriend. Because it’s not just an easily-proved fib – it’s very, very daft.
