I haven’t written about one my favourite characters, B1, for some time. But don’t fear, readers, Climate Change and Energy Minister, Chris Bowen, is never far from my thoughts. I am always watching, noting his insane decisions, jotting down his idiotic remarks.

More recently, B1 has been going the full monty, acting like a possessed zealot embarking on a quest to save the world from DANGEROUS CLIMATE CHANGE.

He’s had a ripper fortnight, releasing the bonkers National Climate Risk Assessment Report, announcing the government’s emissions reduction target for 2035 of 62-to-70 per cent and strutting around New York, generally showing off.

He really thinks he’s on to something here. Gosh, he could even be prime minister one day as he seduces the green-tinged voters here as well as the international climate rent-seeking crowd.  You could see him nodding away in all those shots of Albo making a goose of himself in Gotham City.

Who needs the original version of Grimm’s Fairy Tales when you can read the fully illustrated apocalyptic stories of what climate-related disasters lie ahead? We will be inundated by rising sea levels, extensive flooding will occur, millions will be affected by extreme heat, thousands will DIE. Yes, there will be fewer cold-related deaths, but that was outside the scope of the study, you must understand.

The report is hilariously bad, but the key was the establishment of a backdrop for B1’s announcement of the new emissions reduction target. It was the equivalent of a gigantic drum roll, let’s just hope it didn’t destroy anything as a result.

Clearly, B1 has become increasingly jealous of his rival in cabinet, Jimbo, and his fondness for alliteration. Like some Year 7 kid who has just started high school, Jimbo thinks that using a string of words that start with the same letter really adds to an argument. (A word of advice, cobber, it doesn’t.)  Responsible, resilient, repair and progressive, patriotic, practical and pragmatic are two examples of Jimbo’s joyful jewels – geddit?

My personal favourite from the money man’s repertoire is his description of then leader of the opposition, Peter Dutton, as ‘destructive, divisive, dangerous’. Give me a break here: Dutts is about as fearsome as a Persian cat.

But B1 senses that, following Jimbo’s lead, the route to high office is paved with sound patterns. With nary a hint of irony in his voice, B1 described his scary climate report as ‘cascading, compounding and concurrent’. Gosh, if those killer adjectives don’t convince you, then the gulag is the best place for you.

When it comes to the setting of the 2035 emissions reduction target that is required under the Paris climate agreement, B1 was always going to go high, in keeping with the recommendations of his Liberal turncoat mate who now chairs the Climate Change Authority, Matt Kean.

Having criticised the Coalition for having a range on its previous target setting, you might have thought that B1 would plumb for a single figure. But, no – he opted for a big range of 62-to-70 per cent. This has the advantage of lots of wriggle room as well as fending off criticisms from both the ‘too low’ and the ‘too high’ brigades.

But here’s a curious thing: having established this new target – and bear in mind we are most unlikely to meet the target for 2030 of 43 per cent from 2005 – B1 has completely gone to water setting specific objectives in respect of the component parts that make up the target. There is no indication of what will happen to electricity prices, there is no specific ambition on renewable energy penetration, EV take-up is what it will be, and the list of no-shows adds up.

The only conclusion to draw is that B1 doesn’t want to generate the micro-accountability that comes with putting figures on these components.  He’s had enough of being teased about the $275 reduction in electricity prices that was the firm prediction of the best modelling conducted eva. And it’s very clear that renewables won’t make up 82 per cent of the grid in 2030.

The bigger issue is that B1 is not a details man, a characteristic he shares with our dear leader, Albo. Physics, engineering and economics bore him, mainly because he doesn’t understand them.

He was more than happy to tell the Cop crowd in Azerbaijan last year that, ‘We need to end the use of fossil fuels in our energy systems. We can’t compromise on the science or the need to act. Words can be flexible, but we need outcomes. Fossil fuels have no ongoing role to play in our energy system. And I say this as the Climate and Energy Minister as one of the largest fossil fuel exporters in the world.’

Well, that’s great, mate. But he then comes back to Australia and starts quietly banging on about the need for gas as part of the decarbonisation transition – I guess that’s being flexible – because he’s been told that the grid is becoming increasingly unstable and prices are about to skyrocket.

Of course, B1’s support for gas is more theoretical than practical. He isn’t going out of his way to see more gas exploration and development, including for the domestic market. It will be left to some state premiers to achieve this outcome, if it is to be achieved. This includes Malinauskas from South Australia and Minns from New South Wales. Queensland has always been relatively open for business to the gas industry.

It would be comforting to think that it’s only B1 in the Albanese government who is out on a limb on climate policy. But sadly, this is not the case. Great mate of Albo, Tim Ayers, now Industry Minister, seems to be a full-on believer. Evidently, punishing heavy industry by imposing an effective carbon tax will lead to you-beaut things.

According to Timbo, ‘Australia’s mineral wealth, wind and solar resources, and highly skilled workforce mean it is much better placed than any other country to be the world’s supplier of choice. I want to see more electrification, more energy-efficient production processes and new technologies that make it cheaper and cleaner to power Australian industry.’

How many misleading propositions can one person pack into just two sentences? Does he not see the irony that the federal government – as well as a few state ones – are currently bailing out numerous heavy industry operations because the high cost of energy, inter alia, is sending them to the wall.

Think here the copper smelter at Mount Isa, the steel works at Whyalla and the Nyrstar smelters in South Australia and Tasmania. Inevitably, there will also be a major rescue package to ensure the continued operation of the Tomago aluminium smelter in the Hunter Valley.

Now I’m not sure it takes a genius to see that if plants need to be bailed out because of high energy costs and other impediments, it’s difficult to argue that there’s a great future for things such as green iron and green steel. I’m adding Timbo to my watch list.  Of course, B1 is a permanent member.