Rumors flew around like great, big beautiful birds ahead of President Trump’s address to the nation tonight. Was he going to declare war on Venezuela? Was he going to finally disclose the truth about the Epstein Files or about aliens living among us? Was he going to give every American citizen $2,000 and a partridge in a pear tree? Or maybe he’d use his national platform time to further desecrate the life and memory of Rob Reiner.
It turned out to be none of those things. Trump stood at a White House lectern in front of Christmas decorations and rather angrily listed his accomplishments as President for 20 minutes. It was, essentially, a stump speech.
His border accomplishments stood front and center. “For the past seven months, zero illegal aliens have been allowed into our country, a feat which everyone said was absolutely impossible. Do you remember when Joe Biden said that he needed Congress to pass legislation to help close the border?” Trump said. “As it turned out, we didn’t need legislation. We just needed a new president. We inherited the worst border anywhere in the world, and we quickly turned it into the strongest border in the history of our country.”
On the economy, he said that he’d cleaned up an economic “mess” and that prices were going down and wages were going up. He’s ended the “Green New Scam.” “Our country was ready to fail, totally fail,” he said, like he says pretty much every day. “Now we’re the hottest country anywhere in the world.”
Trump was in an uncharacteristic hurry, as his speech was interrupting 911 Nashville and college basketball and whatever else people are watching on networks these days. He has brought peace to the Middle East, he said, for the first time in “3,000 years.” We no longer have “men playing women’s sports and transgender for everybody.” “We have broken the grip of sinister woke radicals in our schools,” he said. Well, that’s good.
The specter of the evil Biden Administration hung over Trump’s every utterance. Trump has saved us from a national emergency of hellfire and damnation. “We have brought more positive change to Washington than any administration in American history. A corrupt system that took the wealth from people and crushed the dreams of American people. Really they just released a level of violent felons. They caused war, they caused mayhem, they caused a horrible situation all over the globe.
Life under Donald Trump is peaceful, prosperous, safe and free, according to Donald Trump. Everyone is going to be rich. In the only bit of actual news to come out of this somewhat unhinged address, Trump announced that nearly 1.5 million U.S. service members will be receiving checks in the amount of $1,776 to commemorate next year’s 250th anniversary of the Declaration of Independence.
“Think of that,” Trump said, tipping his hand somewhat. “Nobody understood that one until about 30 minutes ago.”
Like it or not, Donald Trump is a person of great consequence in American history. But unless you’ve been in a coma since 2015, not much in this address would be very surprising. The last decade has been a non-stop Donald Trump infomercial, and tonight was just a concentrated dose, a firehose of MAGA rhetoric. It slices, it dices, you’ll be saying, “Wow,” every time you use this towel. We’re bringing down prices so low in America that we must be craaaazy.
“We are respected again like we have never been respected before,” said the President. “To each and every one of us, have a merry Christmas and a happy new Year, god bless you all.” You, too, President Trump. Now please, give us the gift of not talking to us again until 2026. It’s all we ask.
