I was in Intermediate (Year 10) or Leaving (Year 11) when my pal and I decided to sign up to participate in School Parliament. Being at a girls’ school, there was the attraction of boys being part of this contrived shindig.

The trouble was that it was extremely boring. All these jumped-up nongs – generally boys with a lot of badges on their blazers – taking the whole thing far too seriously.  We were divided into government and opposition, and a prime minister was chosen to bark out orders to everyone else.

So, one evening at one of these execrable sessions, my friend and I decided to check out the campus of this large Catholic boys’ school. In other words, we left the ‘chamber’. Some lollies might also have been involved.

After a while, we did return to ‘parliament house’ only to be confronted by the agitated ‘prime minister’ who started hurling abuse at us. Evidently, there had been a division while we were out roaming the grounds, and the government had fallen. Badgey boy had lost his position and he was furious. These days, I would have told him that it was all performative nonsense and to get over it.

I was reminded of this formative episode while reading about the climate Cop circus – you might even call it a clown show – being held in some unknown place in Brazil called Belem. It’s located on the mouth of the Amazon, which makes it symbolic somehow.

You can just imagine the scene – all these pompous fakes running around like headless chooks trying to get countries to sign on to a communique that involves the ‘phasing out of fossil fuels’, to a ‘road map’ (not sure what that is) and to a ‘just transition’ (not sure about that either). Those nasty petrostates – I do love that term for countries that are blessed by their oil reserves – simply won’t play ball.

We’re doomed. The planet won’t survive. What will the next generation think?

Let’s face it, Cop is a massive annual reward for those on the green gravy train.   It’s part trade fair and part attempted shakedown by the leaders of the loudest developing countries. Lots of TED-type talks, lots of roaming microphones, lots of stands in the exhibition hall (both country and green suppliers).

It’s two weeks of vigorous back-slapping, pointlessly playing with words in an inane final communique and a bit of partying, to boot. Sadly, Belem is less salubrious than many of the previous Cop sites.

It’s hot and sticky and the venue had been constructed a few weeks before the conference began. There was even a fire at one stage, but no fire alarms, public announcement system or modern firefighting equipment. You really do have to laugh. Many of the delegates stayed in cabins on the luxury liners that were parked on the coast because there was inadequate accommodation in the city.

There were nearly 500 Australians attending Cop this year, the biggest delegation outside the one from the home country. Not all of those joining the throng will have been funded by the Australian taxpayer, at least directly. But many will have been. It’s interesting to speculate how many went from the Minister’s office and the Department of Climate Change, Energy, the Environment and Water – what a mouthful.

You will be pleased to know that the Mayor of Adelaide attended this year’s Cop, and two suburban Adelaide mayors were at pre-Cop meetings in Brazil – all courtesy of long-suffering ratepayers. (One of these local mayors had insisted that her council invest in an EV charging station. It was so inferior and underutilised that it has been shut down after a year – at a cost of $200,000.)

For true climate believers, this year’s Cop was disappointing for several reasons, including the fact that the US is no longer part of the club and didn’t send anyone.  Heads of government were very thin on the ground – unlike a recent high-water mark for Cop in Glasgow in 2021. The big corporate types also gave it a miss.

But just to show how deluded the attendees at these events can be, Thom Woodroofe, a senior international fellow at the Smart Energy Council (for green rent-seekers), stated that ‘the harsh reality is Cop often represents the triumph of incrementalism. [But] when you are dealing with something as consequential as the climate crisis, every step forward matters – and every step forward helps governments like our own also accelerate the transition to clean energy and therefore tackle the cost-of-living crisis at the same time.’ Give us a break.

In fact, there are strong parallels between Cop and my School Parliament. Most of the countries attending Cop won’t take the slightest notice of any decisions that come out of these interminable two weeks. They are non-binding, after all.

It’s basically theatre for climate obsessives. All that theatrical pretension of extending the conference by a day or two – it regularly happens – to secure a consensus on the final communique is meaningless inefficiency.

From Australia’s point of view, the big issue at this year’s Cop was whether Adelaide would be awarded the next meeting or would it go to those intransigent bastards, the Turks. B1 – our illustrious Climate Change and Energy Minister, Chris Bowen – thought he had it in the bag. Adding in the Pacific Islands which are about to be inundated because of CLIMATE CHANGE was surely a masterful stroke.

But here’s the thing, for the Turks, it was never about climate. It was about recognition of Turkey as an important country. After all, the country’s emissions targets are derisory and its plan to achieve net zero by 2053 is because that year is the anniversary of the Ottomans’ defeat of Constantinople. You know it makes sense, not.

Let’s be clear, Albo sabotaged B1’s efforts by making various statements, including that Australia wouldn’t stand in the way of Turkey if that was the decision. Our Prime Minister may be clueless when it comes to policy matters, but Albo is a master of the art of politics.

The thought of having an expensive climate knees-up in Adelaide with the participants spouting all sorts of insane left-wing shibboleths didn’t bear thinking about in the lead-up to the next federal election.

I do have one small regret that the next Cop will not take place in Adelaide. It was going to be my big chance to attend one of these wild, mindless get-togethers. I would also be able to say that I had been to both Davos, another wild, mindless get-together with similar themes but more private jets, and Cop.

Mind you, I am still getting over my attendance at Davos over a decade ago.  It’s so difficult to rid oneself of the stench of hypocrisy. Having to mingle with those self-serving journos who knew full well it was all venal baloney with a large side-serve of socialist tropes was just too much for me.

In the meantime, there is a bit to write about B1’s consolation prize of becoming the President for Negotiations at the next Cop.  It sounds a bit like being voted the milk monitor in Grade 4. But, hey, he’ll take what was offered. But being portrayed as a part-time energy minister back at home may carry a high political price.

Let’s hope the Coalition can cash in on the chance.