Let me be absolutely clear: when I referred to the next president of Australia’s most important military ally and economic partner as ‘a priapic, day-glow Neanderthal who poses a bigger threat to world peace and global civilisation than Satan, Genghis Khan and Pol Pot combined’, I did not intend to imply that he is anything less than the deserving winner of a free and fair election, or to suggest that under my good friend Donald’s wise and caring leadership the next four years will be anything less than utopian for all Americans and indeed for every nation which count them as friends. I would also take this opportunity to say that I stand shoulder to shoulder with any of my Washington-based associates whose public statements may have seemed to call into question President-elect Trump’s moral fortitude and intellectual capacity, and I want to make it especially clear that any resemblance between myself and the driver of the bus under which their bodies may or may not be found in the next few months is entirely coincidental.

Epidemiologists who identified emerging strains of the Covid virus have expressed astonishment at the rapidity with which the condition known as Trump Derangement Syndrome has mutated into Trump Rearrangement Syndrome, symptoms of which include a permanent reddening of the complexion and the vertical extension and furring of the ears. While left-leaning politicians and their media acolytes are most vulnerable, corporates are also taking urgent steps to immunise their share price against the effects of Future Trump Disfavour. As the Donald Draper de nos jours I see the evidence of this long before the public does. Jeff Bezos’s brave decision, the moment the election result was beyond doubt, to change the Washington Post’s masthead motto from ‘Democracy dies in darkness’ to ‘Don’t believe everything you read here before’ has inspired many advertisers to invest in post-election brand realignment, and I have been happy to help them. It is at my suggestion that Black & Decker have registered the tag line ‘Drill, baby, drill’ and that food giant Kraft have changed the tagline for their parmesan cheese to ‘Making America grate again’.

Buoyed even more by the US election than they were by the Voice referendum, Coalition leaders are determined to emulate what they see as key planks of the Trump campaign. Thanks, ironically, to the firearms legislation introduced by Mr Dutton’s most respected predecessor, the chances of even one bungled assassination attempt between now and next year’s federal election are vanishingly small. But noting how criminal charges and fascist dictator comparisons served to boost rather than decrease support for Mr Trump, Mr Dutton’s team is keen to weaponise what were previously considered his weaknesses. Just as Mr Trump responded to the ‘garbage’ insults of his opponents by climbing into a garbage truck, for example, there are now plans to have a beaming Mr Dutton photographed standing on top of the Big Potato which identifies the New South Wales town of Robertson as the nation’s root-crop capital.

Another Trump stratagem the Coalition is expected to import is the surrounding of its candidate – a man not conspicuously encumbered by charisma – with the kind of Australians who might lend populist sparkle to his campaign. It is not yet clear who they see as the Australian Elon Musk, but I am reliably informed that ex-military Jacqui Lambie has already added a grey streak to her hair to increase her resemblance to ex-military Tulsi Gabbard, and that the critical, entertainer-of-colour endorsement which Mr Trump got from Kanye West will be supplied to Mr Dutton by Kamahl, research suggesting that the octogenarian crooner’s tendency to change his mind repeatedly on national television about how he’ll vote resonates strongly with older Australians. Efforts are still being made to identify Australians who might perform the respective roles of Joe Rogan and Hulk Hogan, but in the meantime approaches have been made to Russell Crowe on the grounds that while he may not be a Hogan or a Rogan he is unquestionably a Bogan. One famous Australian who didn’t wait to be asked, and whose conservative credentials have long been a matter of public record, is Mel Gibson. But campaign officials have yet to decide whether or not to accept Mr Gibson’s generous offer to fund and direct a blockbuster commercial for the campaign. I am reliably informed that the script Mr Gibson has submitted features Mr Dutton walking fearlessly across the surface of Lake Burley Griffin then stumbling bruised and naked up the hill to Parliament House while being jostled and jeered at by crowds of Just Stop Oil and Trans Rights protestors. Beats my two pair.