I wonder how many Australians, like me, have found communicating with our national health care bureaucracy, Medicare, about as easy as winning Lotto?

Oh, it shouldn’t be that hard, Boomer, their website contains a 24-hour contact number, right?

Well, yes. But after finding that a refund of $41.40 owing on my wife’s recent visit to our non-bulk billing medical centre hadn’t made it back to our bank account via her debit card in more than a week, despite a receipt showing it had been paid, she visited the GP’s office and was told she would have to contact Medicare.

‘It’s obviously been paid somewhere,’ was the helpful advice. Maybe, but not to us. How many other ‘refunds’ end up ‘somewhere’?

Determined to hunt the refund down, I got on the phone to the giant health entity to inquire how that could happen.

I didn’t really expect a human to answer the call – what bureaucracy or big business does that these days? I listened to the pleasant female-sounding AI bot asking what the call was about in a couple of words, and I said ‘unpaid refund’. She/it then rattled off a variety of numbered options. I chose one that sounded vaguely appropriate but I was then told I could find the answer to various questions via the Medicare app or through their MyGov link.

‘Have a nice day,’ she/it concluded in the same cheery voice before hanging up on me.

I had already had a look on MyGov and checked the list of refunds paid. This latest one wasn’t included.

Confused, I called the Medicare hotline again, went through the options with Bot lady, and chose the last on the list: Speak to an operator. Finally, I might get somewhere… Instead, the same pleasant voice told me that because of the volume of calls, none were available.

‘Try again later…’ Click. Call ended. No option of waiting in a queue for an hour listening to the same boring tune played over and over, no option of requesting a call-back which some non-government service providers do actually include when inquiries reach overload.

Right. With a slight trace of steam coming out my ears, I went online in an attempt to find another way of contact – like an email address.

That should be simple and easy, let alone logical, and it would relieve pressure on their ‘24 hour, seven days a week’ call centre. Or so I thought. After searching through a multitude of word salads I finally discovered what was claimed to be an email address, which I immediately copied and pasted into an address bar and cc’d myself.

I then outlined the case of the missing refund, attached a copy of the receipt stating it had been paid, and asked for the matter to be rectified.

A second after hitting send, it bounced back with the message that the address wasn’t recognised. What?! More steam out the ears… Was it an old address or did it only apply in some other state? Maybe. I returned to searching online, picking through all the Medicare links and options on MyGov. I finally found one for complaints, so let’s try that!

Again, there were numerous options for what the complaint might entail but finally I managed to type a message about the missing refund and asked for it to be paid. I also included the suggestion that they could save everyone a lot of bother if they just provided a genuine contact email address.

They did give me a feedback number a few days ago but at the time of writing, there has been no response.

The Albanese Labor government made a big fanfare announcing its $6.1 billion ‘strengthening Medicare reforms’ last October, claiming it was ‘the largest investment in bulk billing in Medicare’s 40-year history’.

According to Health Minister Mark Butler, Australians saved an estimated $15 million in GP gap fees in November and December, ‘…helping to ease the cost-of-living pressures on household budgets.’

Well, Mr Butler, finding a GP that bulk bills in our neck of the woods which also happens to be one of Australia’s major tourism hot spots, is a bit like my opening analogy of winning Lotto. And ours have increased their fees since your bulk-billing largesse.

Might I be so bold as to suggest you could improve services by making the Medicare call centre actually answer calls. Or call back when they can. Or just include a contact email that works in each state and territory. How hard can that be?

On a related topic of online banking anomalies and service providers, I recently had a similar experience when attempting to renew my Optus mobile phone account online.

After linking with our bank account, I clicked submit and received a message back saying the payment couldn’t be processed because of ‘activity’ on the account.

Again, what the…? So I logged into the account and sure enough the sizeable payment had been deducted.

I called Optus and went through an identity check until I finally got to speak to a foreign lady who had difficulty understanding me, and likewise, me her. But finally she grasped the concept that I was claiming to have been charged for a service that hadn’t been renewed.

‘Can you hold the line, I’ll have to talk to my supervisor.’

‘No problem.’

Queue the elevator music playing over and over and over for at least half an hour.

Finally, she returned. ‘Yes, I can confirm that we did receive the payment and we can refund it to your account but that might take a few days.’

I let out an audible sigh: ‘Well if you’ve received the payment can’t you just renew my mobile service, otherwise I’ll have to do all this again?’

‘Oh, well, I’ll have to check with my supervisor again so I’ll put you back on hold, okay?’

‘No problem!’

Finally, after another extended wait listening to the same mind-numbing tune, she came back and informed me, ‘Yes, we can do that…’

Glory be! Then she asked if I can rate her service and switched me through to a survey. I gave her a reasonable score for solving the problem and that was that.

Why does our modern switched-on life have to be so bloody complicated? Back when I was a boy, not even space traveller Flash Gordon had a computer and the nearest thing to a smartphone belonged to comic book detective-extraordinaire, Dick Tracy (except his was more a futuristic smartwatch on which he could make and receive calls).

Do we really need to make life even more complicated with moves for a cashless society, digital currency, and now a national Digital ID which was rushed through the Senate just before Easter?

To all those who’ll say I should modern up and get with the 21st Century, I’ll close with a repetitive quote from a contemporary Destiny’s Child hit:

You’ll be sayin’, ‘No, no, no, no, no.’

When it’s really, ‘Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.’

Let’s hope ‘No’ prevails! (I expressed some similar views in another article, No More cheques in the mail.)

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John Mikkelsen is a former editor of three Queensland regional newspapers, columnist, freelance writer and author of the Amazon Books Memoir, Don’t Call Me Nev.

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