Interview 1

Ms ABC: Welcome, Minister. You are in charge of climate change and energy; might I add that you are doing an outstanding job tackling our climate emergency as well as vilifying – nay, destroying – those pesky climate deniers on the other side of the house. May I also take a brief moment to congratulate you on your previous ministerial successes, including as immigration minister and treasurer.

B1: Thank you, thank you. It’s too kind of you. Today, I want to talk about the outrageous and ill-informed plans of the cretins in the opposition who are attempting to make the case for nuclear power in this country.

Ms ABC: Minister, tell us everything you want to on this topic.

B1: Thank you again. As every sensible person in Australia understands, nuclear power in this country is just too expensive and would take far too long to implement.  Just look at the figures my department has been providing to make this case, admittedly on my instruction. 19 years, Ms ABC, it takes to build a nuclear power plant in the US – 19 years. And the costs are exorbitant, with nuclear power prices at least three times more than wind and solar. Again, my department has the figures.

Ms ABC: There have been some recently constructed nuclear power plants that are sometimes cited as success stories – the UAE for example.

B1: (Audible groaning). Can I point out that the UAE is an autocratic country run by sheiks? It’s no model for democratic countries like Australia. A top-down decision is made and the plant is built using exploited migrant workers. Is that what we really want in this country, I ask you?

Ms ABC: At the most recent Cop climate talks, a number of important countries – France, the UK, the US, Canada, Sweden –did support a significant expansion in nuclear power as an important means of tackling climate change. Australia did not sign this motion. Were there any reasons for this, minister?

B1: It’s all very well for countries that have a long history of nuclear power with a number of operating plants to talk their book. But Australia has wind and sun, Australia has land, Australia has coastline. Renewables are our future. Everyone accepts that.  They are cheaper, they are cleaner, they are quick to install.

Ms ABC: Do you see any future in modular nuclear reactors? They may be cheaper than traditional nuclear plants and don’t take very long to get up and running.

B1: (More audible groaning) It’s a lie, Ms ABC, just a lie. Where are these MNRs? Can I tell you about the experiment in Utah, US?  $2 billion of government grants and the project still folded prior to completion. The cost blow-outs were spectacular. It’s all words, Ms ABC, all words.

Ms ABC: Are you confident, Minister, that you will achieve your emissions reduction target of 43 per cent by 2030, with renewables contributing over 80 per cent of electricity generation?

B1: In a canter, in a canter. (Frown on face suggesting minister may realise this term has been used before.) Australia is quickly becoming a renewable energy superpower – the pre-eminent renewable energy superpower of the world. People understand that nuclear has no place in Australia’s energy system – the idea is like Sao biscuits in a blender. And can I just put the following question: where will these ugly, dangerous plants be located? Does anyone want these massive edifices that have a tendency to explode and emit lethal radiation in their backyards? I’ll leave it there, Ms ABC.

Ms ABC: Thank you so much, Minister.  I’m sure our viewers are now convinced that there is no future for nuclear power in Australia after your comprehensive and illuminating exposition.

Interview 2

Ms ABC: Welcome to the program, Mr Nincompoop. You are currently the opposition’s spokesman for energy.

Mr N: I…

Ms ABC: Let me interrupt you there. You are an advocate for nuclear energy, yet you have no professional background in nuclear energy. Do you even have a degree in nuclear physics? And why is there no mention of climate change in your title? Do you even accept the science of climate change?

Mr N: I…

Ms ABC: I’m sorry to have to interrupt you again. But I must add that it was your party that imposed the legislative ban on nuclear energy in 1998. It was obviously a good idea then and it’s still a good idea, although you seem to have changed your mind.

Mr N: If I may get a word in – I understand that this is the ABC way of interviewing – but can I note that the world has moved on…

Ms ABC: You say the world has moved on, but do you realise that it takes 19 years to build a nuclear power plant in the US? Under the best scenario, Australia could have a nuclear power plant by the mid-2040s. Do you plan to keep our remaining emissions-intensive dirty coal-fired plants going until then? Is that the plan of the Coalition?

Mr N: Can I just clear up a few issues here…?

Ms ABC: What you are saying is you can’t be sure that nuclear power is even feasible in Australia, at least without massive government subsidies, and that a Coalition government would insist that all existing coal-fired plants have their lives extended for as long as it takes. Where does this leave the Coalition’s commitment to net zero by 2050? Most viewers must be concluding that the Coalition’s pledge is just a joke, that there is no intention of meeting net zero by 2050. The pressures are just too great to placate those red-necked members in the National party who lodge their unjustified objections to wind and solar installations as well as transmission lines in rural and regional areas.

Mr N: Can I just point out here that the Victorian Labor government is currently subsidising the continuation of two coal-fired plants and that there is a plan for the life of the Eraring plant in New South Wales to be extended using taxpayer funds?

Ms ABC: You say this, although you have no proof. Everyone knows that nuclear power is the most expensive form of electricity generation and that the only way for Australia to have affordable power is to promote even more renewable energy, with government assistance.

Mr N: Actually, Ms ABC, the countries with nuclear power have some of the cheapest electricity in the world – Canada, France…

Ms ABC: Can I interrupt you there? We have to leave it there and thank you, Mr N, for coming onto the programme. Our viewers will be in no doubt that there is no future for nuclear power in this country and you have been able to clear this up.

 

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