I went onto my online banking account the other day, as you do. But before I could get to the information I needed, I was met with this message: ‘Find out how Australia can secure its share of the global decarbonisation market. Explore insights from the All Systems Go: Powering Ahead report.’

Which bank?, you ask. The answer is the NAB, the wokest of the big four but they are all extremely woke. My parents had banked with the NAB and I have had an account from early childhood. I also own a small parcel of NAB shares. (What are you doing, Judith? But is there any real choice?)

On reflection, the only thing that surprised me about this unwelcome interruption to my online banking activity was that it didn’t involve an exhortation for me to ‘vote Yes’. After all the NAB has donated a cool two mill. to the Yes23 campaign, along with the other three big banks as well as Macquarie.

I could be wrong, but my impression is that the big corporate supporters of Yes have pulled their horns in, although the money has been handed over. Many of the plans devised by the activists in government Relations/HR/ESG departments have been shelved lest there is a blowback from customers and shareholders.

The foyers of head offices were to be festooned with Yes posters and balloons. There would be messages for customers. Staff would be encouraged to ‘do the right thing’ and to tell their contacts to do likewise.

I may be living in a different world – I have been hanging out in Queensland for several months and there is very little to indicate that there is even a referendum coming up. But I still think I’m on the money on this issue (geddit?), not least because of the political pressures imposed by warriors like Senators Matt Canavan and James Patterson.

But let me get back to the unwelcome intrusion to my online banking activity and the ridiculous climate report funded by the NAB. We are told in the blurb that NAB commissioned Deloitte Access Economics so retail customers could learn about the opportunities that exist ‘with the right mix of policy, innovation and investment to trade competitively’. (By the way, this is very good business for the consulting firm, reselling a very similar report already completed.)

Obviously, ‘the country will have to meet its 82-per-cent renewable-energy target, reach interim emissions reduction targets and net zero by 2050, and implement already announced decarbonisation policy initiatives’. After that, lots of really, really big numbers are quoted, including the drumroll figure of $435 billion as the economic opportunity by 2050. Green hydrogen gets quite a few mentions – pause for laughter here.

And what has this got to do with NAB customers? Let’s face it, it’s just assumption-driven horseshit and my guess is that I’m one of the very few NAB customers who would even bother to read it.

There are a few vacuous comments from the NAB chair, Phil Chronican, who warns us that ‘the harsh reality is that only if we hit our targets without replacing exports, we will become a materially poorer nation’. (Hey, Phil, what about the option of not replacing exports?)

But it’s OK, because we are in a strong starting position because of ‘Australia’s natural endowment of land, sunshine and wind’. I guess because no other country has these things.

Needless to say, the NAB chief executive Ross McEwan had to get in on the act with a few similarly vacuous comments of his own. ‘Australia can reap the benefits of innovation and productivity growth (sic) that will lift Australia’s supply-chain competitiveness and put the country on a strong footing as our traditional exports are replaced.’ Oh please, spare me.

But here’s the rub (I guess): ‘As Australia’s biggest business bank, we are here to fund the transition and support our customers with the capital they need to invest in new technology and ideas for future-proofing their business and deliver new ways to grow.’ (Note to Judith: sell.)

Reading between the lines, what the bigwigs at NAB are saying is the bank won’t lend to any fossil fuel projects and it will interrogate the emissions-intensity and decarbonisation plans of all business customers. This will involve not only their own operations but also the emissions intensity of their customers.

In this context, it is not surprising that NAB has its own Chief Climate Officer, no doubt supported by a large department. I thought banks were supposed to be boring but, hey, it’s so much fun skiing off-piste even if the snow is a bit patchy – climate change, you must appreciate.

The ultimate irony of all this is that the wheels are falling off the net zero wagon in many places around the world. No one thinks that B1’s (Chris Bowen’s) 2030 emissions-reduction target is achievable or that 82 per cent of the eastern electricity grid will be powered by renewables by the end of the decade. (How are those plans going for the additional transmission lines, Chris? The plans for offshore wind farms also look dead in the water – another geddit?)

The UK is now walking back from all that climate guff accelerated by Theresa May and Boris. There are delays all over the place – banning petrol/diesel cars, gas boilers, multiple recycling bins, compulsory environmental upgrades of rental properties – although expect all these policies to be quietly ditched at some stage. Oil and gas projects in the North Sea are now being given the go-ahead.

Germany, now with deep economic problems, is also quickly retreating although net zero by 2045 remains the official policy. Crippled by rising electricity prices, a tipping point was the decision by the large chemical company, BASF, to build a new plant in China because of cheap energy prices!

A large fund created from green levies on retail and industrial customers is now being redirected to encourage large industrial operations to remain in Germany by handing out massive subsidies to offset high energy prices. Offshore wind farms have also been a bust in that country and green hydrogen is going nowhere. (The Germans are, however, keen to sell overpriced electrolysers to other mugs happy to throw away their money at green hydrogen.)

Why the luvvies down at the NAB would think it appropriate to hand over a large sum of money to private consulting firm, Deloitte Access Economics, to produce tendentious drivel is anyone’s guess.

I guess it will be a welcome addition to the climate section of the bank’s annual report underpinning its commitment to net zero.

But thank God for small mercies, NAB at least didn’t instruct online account holders to vote Yes – well, as far as I know.