Here at the Melbourne Comedy Festival, it’s all go, go, go! We had scarcely finished this year’s festival when we decided we had better get started on next year’s one because, before we knew what was happening, it would be right on top of us. In any event, I can happily report that we have now made great progress on the program.

First thing, of course, was to get rid of the embarrassment that Barry Humphries left behind him. The thing he never understood is that comedy is not a laughing matter. If we allowed his frivolous tone to become the hallmark of the MCF, you would have audiences falling over each other in hysterics to buy tickets, and no room for the serious social commentary for which we have become so renowned. For instance, how can you give climate change and transgender rights the serious attention they deserve if you let people like Humphries come on stage and make jokes about them. And, as our director observed, Humphries had forgotten how to read the room. But we know exactly how to read the room and we know what the public wants, and it is not Barry Humphries.

In any case, our New Talent Team has already enlisted a whole series of very promising acts that are in keeping with our long-established tradition of high-minded comedy. So the Prime Minister will have prime billing time to explain his promise to cut power bills when they are increasing, bring down interest rates when they keep going up, lessen the cost of living while it becomes more expensive, find housing when there is none, and give us a better life when it just gets worse. And if that is not laughable, nothing is.

Then we will have the Victorian Greens. They will produce a world premiere for us, a rollicking musical rendition of their policies supporting bodily autonomy, gender transitioning, assisted reproductive treatment, intersex rights, altruistic surrogacy, gender affirmation, sexual orientation, opposing gender identity conversion, de-gender transitioning , transphobia, biphobia, how they all fit together, doing it all in reverse if you change your mind, how everyone else will pay for it, and at the same time promoting the Yogyakarta Principles on human rights.

The proposed Voice will also produce its fair share of good clean comedy. Intriguing questions to be debated and which will make you laugh and cry include how you can have two opinions from the Solicitor-General but release only one; how it was thought you could get away with a Yes case, but not have a No case; how you could allow tax deductions for spending on the Yes case but not on the No case; how business leaders could support the Voice that will strangle them in red tape while they call for less red tape; how you can say the Voice will not encourage vexatious litigation when lawyers are already salivating at the prospect of all the new work; the intriguing question of how Noel Pearson has such an inexhaustible supply of abuse and invective for anyone with whom he disagrees, while he calls for love and consensus; and, if the big complaint is that Aboriginals cannot get advice through to the government, why they don’t send a letter or use the telephone?

We are also enlisting a team of activist judges to lead a special section of the festival called Find the Implied Term. This is a hilarious game where you are given a clean copy of the constitution and you then pit yourself against the judges to see who is first to spot an implied term that is not actually there in words but which can be unearthed at a moment’s notice to move any left-wing cause along. And a warning: don’t underestimate the judges. They can smell the vibe of an implied term miles off and are already in secret training for the Voice which will produce thousands of them, all of which will expand its powers. And if you think that economics is a dry and humourless pursuit, we will be showing you how the Voice will generate a lawyer-led revival of the economy which should at least make the lawyers confident about the future.

Of course, no comedy festival would be complete without a contribution from the Liberal party. So, the Victorian branch of the party will explain how, after unrelenting research and a thorough examination of the truly pivotal nature of the Voice,  and how it is the biggest constitutional event since 1901, the party has concluded that it has no opinion and will courageously allow its MPs to have a conscience vote. Truly, the Seinfeld party, the party about nothing.

And don’t think for one minute that we have overlooked international affairs. I am confident we will have the Russian ambassador who will explain his government’s intriguing theory that Russia has been invaded by Ukraine and that the Motherland is acting in self-defence in aiming missiles on the marauding hordes of highly disorderly kindergarten children.

Finally, there is the ABC. Comedy may not be the first thing that comes to mind when thinking about the ABC, but it should be, as it is brimming over with it. Take the audience ratings for its radio stations, which we had thought had reached rock bottom until we found recently that there was still a long way to go in their descent into hitherto uncharted territory. That should produce some muffled laughter. But best of all, we will have a segment on Media Watch, the guardians of journalistic purity and standards that can be assessed by none but themselves. They have the advantage, of course, in not having to do any actual journalism or anything at all, other than to judge the work of others. Truly, the Vestal Virgins of the ABC.

There! We have a great program for next year and a lot of serious fun ahead of us. And not a Barry Humphries character in sight!