The first two rounds of the Six Nations have exploded across the sporting landscape insuperlative – draining displays of skill and power. But still the England Rugby Union team is as baffling as Fermat’s Last Theorem. Why is it that a nation with resources other countries can only dream of performs so fitfully? How come England can produce a coach in charge of the world’s top nation – but that nation isn’t England?

The England result against Italy looked good on paper, especially when compared with Italy’s narrow defeat by France, but closer analysis isn’t so encouraging. Especially worrying are the 40 tackles missed by England, a detail that if not improved upon will almost certainly result in crushing defeats by Ireland and France.

The Marcus Smith-Owen Farrell double act is working as well as a Liz Truss Budget and should be discontinued. But Smith and Ollie Lawrence would be a mighty effective combination, and England should start with Henry Arundell against Wales: he’s the type of player who can scare the bejesus out of the opposition just by being on the pitch.

Steve Borthwick might not set too many pulses racing just yet, and the comparison with the Englishman managing Ireland is hard to resist. Andy Farrell has attained the appearance of an otherworldly bearded mystic as he sits aloof, high in the stands, surveying his adopted nation play with such deep conviction.

The game against France in Dublin was an electrifying piece of theatre but it was a pity about the James Lowe try: his touchdown was a feat of athleticism but it should have been disallowed. There are more cameras at Twickenham than on a Chinese weather balloon; why did none of them pick up that Lowe’s foot was in touch?

Any encounter between the No. 1 and No. 2 in the world should set the juices going, so it’s odd that the current four-Test series between India and Australia has been largely ignored here. Especially considering that the Ashes this summer are very much on Ben Stokes’s to-do list, and he’s not a bloke who enjoys being thwarted. In truth, though, the Nagpur dustbowl might not have too much bearing on English conditions. The Aussies were duly walloped in the first Test by an innings and plenty, but nobody likes to see that, do they?

India have a penchant for preparing wickets for their spinners. When England toured a couple of years ago, they won the first Test by 227 on a sporting flat pitch. In the second Test, in the same ground but a different pitch in Chennai, India won by more than 300 runs and thrashed England in the final two Tests. Since then they have played five more Tests at home and hammered the opposition in all but one. Left-armer Axar Patel has played for India in all the last eight home Tests, since the change of strategy to prepare difficult spinning tracks. He has taken 36 wickets at less than 12 runs apiece, astounding figures for a spinner, but he hasn’t been picked for even one of the ten Tests away from home. So India shouldn’t prepare wickets that their excellent squad of quicks can’t use. World cricket needs an India team that can win away from home as well as on their carefully nurtured bunsen burners.

The Premier League needs a glossy and glowing Manchester United, so anyone who loves football must rejoice in their blossoming under Erik ten Hag and the simultaneous revival of Marcus Rashford. Man U scholars pinpoint the Rashford resurgence to the moment Cristiano Ronaldo legged it to the sands of Saudi. That in turn was a direct result of Ronaldo’s interview with Piers Morgan which he devoted to trashing his club. So Piers, an Arsenal fan, is, ironically, the prime mover in the rise of Man U.