The education system used to be so straightforward. But now, with the classics of Western civilisation being chucked into the nearest dumpster, new subjects needs to be developed.

Safe Schools has filled a big gap in the syllabus, especially for students wondering what it would be like to arrive on Earth from outer space without a penis or a vagina.

New courses in virtue-signaling and political correctness offer similar opportunities. Why bother with Shakespeare and Dickens when students can study in the splendid isolation of a racially and gender-segregated safe space? They won’t meet anyone who thinks or looks differently to them. Their ideas will never be challenged and their feelings never hurt. It’s amazing what ‘diversity and inclusion’ can do in the development of a young person’s mind.

Yet it’s still not enough to fill the curriculum. I’ve been working on classroom materials for a subject ideally suited to our times. It’s called Male Alienation 101. The concept is simple enough. If one man does something wrong, all men must be held responsible for it. Sounds unfair? Too right it is, that’s the whole point. You can’t indoctrinate students with left-wing propaganda if you believe in fairness.

The goal is to attack as many men as possible, destroying their self-esteem, by haranguing them on the evils of ‘patriarchy’. As our course adviser Clementine Ford says, ‘All men must die’. Not all men, actually. There are some exceptions. Our guest lecturer Waleed Aly has pointed out that whenever radical Islamic men do something wrong, like blowing up pop concerts or flying planes into skyscrapers, not all Islamic men are responsible. We should not demonise an entire religion for the sins of a few.

Our other special lecturer Joe Williams, an ABC Indigenous expert, has identified a second exemption. Joe insists there was no domestic violence in Australia prior to the arrival of white fellas in 1788. It’s been a learned habit for Aboriginal men, taught to them by colonialists. Some of the Indigenous now have PhDs in the subject, but it’s not their fault they studied so hard.

Where does this leave our new course? In listening to Waleed and Williams, we’ve had to update the title to White Male Alienation 101. All white men are responsible for the sins of a minority.

Take for example the murder of the Melbourne comedian Eurydice Dixon. A young white man has been arrested. Sure, he’s autistic, making him very different to other men, but that’s irrelevant to the subject we are teaching. If he were Islamic or Aboriginal, excuses would be made, absolving him of guilt under the banner of ‘cultural sensitivity’. But the bastard is white, so let’s get stuck into him. And all those who look like him.

We have secured bipartisanship on this. Malcolm Turnbull for the Liberals, Daniel Andrews for Labor and Adam Bandt for the Greens have united behind a single message: white men are violent scum who need to change. At the ABC, ace autocue reader Juanita Phillips has declared, ‘violence against women (to be) an integral and accepted part of Western civilisation’. This is why it can’t be taught at ANU. Forget about academic autonomy. The rejection of the Ramsay Centre was actually a female safety issue. Lectures on Western civilisation run the risk of inciting a campus-wide orgy of violence and rape. At the Metooanjin magazine, Jonathan Green has written of how ‘white male privilege’ and ‘the construction of the patriarchy’ make crimes against women possible. Most likely, the disabled guy in Melbourne would struggle to spell ‘patriarchy’ let alone act on its evil intent. But true to our post-modernist roots, we’re not letting capitalist constructs like evidence and facts interfere with course content.

There’s a bigger problem we are worried about. Someone needs to give the patriarchy a good kick up the backside, to make it earn its keep. At the moment, there are more female than male lawyers, GP doctors, vets, teachers, office managers and public servants in Australia. Sixty percent of university graduates each year are female. International studies have shown Australia to be the world’s safest nation for women, with low rates of domestic violence, especially in white middle class suburbs. Of the 31 Australians killed by strangers each year, on average, only two are women, with criminologists reporting that these cases ‘don’t stem from any particular attitudes against women’.

The #MeToo campaign has flopped Down Under, having unearthed the gardener Don Burke from 25 years ago and not much else (other than two litigants, Geoffrey Rush and Craig McLachlan, who are likely to win big defamation payouts). Other research has found that only two per cent of Australian women ‘strongly agree’ with the proposition that they have been sexually harassed in the workplace (including the heinous crime of men staring at beautiful women). The patriarchy has been asleep at the wheel, a disgrace to the privileged white men who created it. It’s actually delivering equal employment opportunities and safe suburbs and workplaces for women. At White Male Alienation 101, how can we overcome this evidence-based reality? The solution is simple: we’ll label it ‘Unlearning’, a Sydney University program where facts are irrelevant.

As a result, our new course has been accepted into every humanities department around the country. It’s an ideal way of demonising white male humans.