It’s hard not to feel bad for Melania Trump. One doesn’t exactly get the impression that she wanted to be First Lady. It took her four months to move into the White House. And why not? It isn’t made of solid gold. As of the Turnbulls, it could be said that the Trumps are the first family to make a lifestyle downgrade by moving into the executive mansion.
But it’s more than that. For the most apolitical First Lady in living memory, Mrs Trump has been a favorite media punching-bag since her husband declared his candidacy in 2015. After her speech at the Republican Convention, where Donald accepted the party’s nomination, a columnist for the Philadelphia Inquirer speculated that ‘her all-white ensemble displayed the kind of foreignness that is accepted by her husband’s political party. To many, that outfit could be another reminder that in the G.O.P. white is always right’. (That Hillary Clinton wore a similar all-white ensemble a week later didn’t seem to bother the Inquirer.)
Then, in August – completely out of the blue – Newsweek felt the need to shame Mrs Trump for frequently wearing high heels. ‘Subconsciously,’ the allure of high heels ‘relates to a primal instinct to identify lame prey,’ the column goes. ‘Throughout recorded history limping in others has been seen both as a physical weakness as well as a sexually attractive impediment. Wearing high-heeled shoes can accentuate the limping characteristics in a very tantalising way.’ It’s difficult to say what’s most outrageous about that excerpt. Is it the hypocrisy of liberals implying that Mrs Trump dresses the way she does only to welcome male attention – the same people who say you can ‘rape’ a woman by propositioning her in a night club, even if she’s wearing hot pants and a tube top? Or is it the suggestion that her wardrobe is designed to make her appear sexually vulnerable – a kind of pre-emptive, ‘she-was-asking-for-it’ victim blaming? Take your pick.
So far, the Left has failed to convince Americans that their First Lady is a sex-crazed neo-Nazi. But they’re not finished harassing her. After President Trump repealed Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals (DACA), which effectively granted amnesty to illegal immigrants who entered the country as minors, Democrats are calling for – you guessed it! – Melania’s deportation. The hashtag #DeportMelania has already garnered over 1.7 million impressions since last Monday. Scott Dworkin, founder of the Democratic Coalition, tweeted: ‘No one wants Trump to #DeportMelania but if she came here illegally then I wanna see him practice what he vomits.’ Actor Bruno Amato likewise posted a photo of Melania with the caption: ‘If we’re going to deport immigrants, let’s start with those who have contributed NOTHING to our country.’ These lovely people claim that Mrs Trump, who first emigrated to the US in 1996, worked as a model in New York without the proper visa. Of course, they have absolutely no way of knowing that: her immigration papers are locked tight. But she’s a Trump. And, according to a certain breed of hysterical lefty, the Trumps have no right to exist in the same universe as decent, forward-thinking people such as them – let alone the same country.
No one’s denying the pro-DACA people have a strong case. If the US is the only home you’ve ever known, the logical (not to mention compassionate) thing to do may be to let them stay. It’s basically the same case for removing children from offshore detention centres. Why punish children for their parents actions? ‘The son shall not suffer for the iniquity of the father,’ says the Good Book. But why drag Melania into it? In what universe is it okay to threaten to expel a woman from her home of twenty years because you don’t agree with her husband’s politics?
Melania Trump has this incredible ability to transform ardent feminists into catty, eye-clawing schoolgirls. She makes buttoned-up prudes of sexual revolutionaries. Just the sight of her turns immigration activists into crusading nativists. It’s not a rational reaction to the First Lady’s behaviour, which has been nothing short of exemplary. It is, I’m afraid, a disease – one that attacks the brain stem and eats away at its victims’ logical faculties. My colleagues and I have found that it’s only evinced in patients who already suffer from Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS), which leads us to believe it’s a permutation of the same neurological disorder. We’ve given it the working name Pique Melania Syndrome, or PMS. PMS is ravaging the Democratic Party, progressive activist groups, and mainstream media networks across the country. The outbreak is most concentrated in Washington, D.C., but it’s also been found in high concentration in major cities along both coasts. It seems to be catalysed by the application of sturgeon roe to commemorative ‘Hillary for President 2016’ caviar spoons. It’s also known to target individuals with sub-par hygiene, such as arts students and professional dole-bludgers. Given how quickly TDS spread across the Pacific, we recommend that Australians take immediate precautions to prevent the infection from spreading. This can be done by consuming only a wholesome news diet, including The Speccie and the Bolt Report. Frequent bathing is, of course, essential to avoid contraction. Early symptoms include: a paranoid fear of ‘white privilege’, sudden onset of a sense of entitlement to other people’s money, and cravings for avocado. We’ve partnered with the Warringah Liberals and Australian Conservatives to prevent the infection from taking root in your country. Please give generously to their efforts and carefully follow their directions, particularly when marking your ballot sheets.
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