I am getting heartily sick of being subjected to low-level racist and Islamophobic abuse whenever I go out wearing my black Islamic State flag. It is a very beautiful flag, symbolic of freedom and love and bears the legend: ‘There is no God but Allah and Muhammed is His Messenger’, which I hand-painted in Arabic script. (On the other side it says: ‘Nothing to do with Islam’, just so as I can hedge my bets a bit.) Anyway, walking around London with it I can report that several people looked at me funny. That’s Islamophobia for you. Also, one fairly obese man shouted, ‘Fuck off to Syria, you wanker.’ That’s racist abuse, end of. I stopped a policeman to tell him about these incidents but by now the perpetrators were a very great distance away and avoided capture. The policeman admired my flag, I think. He did not tell me to take it off, at any rate.

Very often in the past people wearing a flag bearing the cross of St George, or the Union Jack, have been rightly told to desist by your police and even arrested — because those are flags of colonial oppression and imperialism and are intrinsically hurtful to Muslims like myself. We are a vulnerable community and find the waving of the Union Jack both threatening and irritating. But nobody could possibly object to my flag because it is a flag of liberation. Admittedly, sometimes the liberation of a person’s head from the rest of his body, but liberation all the same. Anyway, I found the stares I got and the occasional unpleasant comments discomfiting.

You kafirs think you are terribly tolerant, but let me tell you — walking around with my flag a few days after our brother had carried out Allah’s will on a Tunisian beach, I felt horribly excluded from British society as a consequence of those stares. It does not help that last year your Prime Minister, David Cameron, suggested that people wearing or waving my flag should be arrested. Luckily the police have taken not the slightest bit of notice of this bad man. It is just the British flag which can get you arrested.

I was so disquieted by my experience, in fact, that I have decided to emigrate. I have considered moving to the Islamic State (Which Is Nothing To Do With Islam), and that may be an option. However, the Saudi Arabians are advertising for head-choppers to behead people who have transgressed in some way in Riyadh and Jeddah — the Saudis are also nothing to do with Islam, of course— and that seems to me an agree-able occupation for someone with my sort of deranged religious psychosis. I just hope that there is the prospect of career advancement, as I do not want to spend the rest of my life just hacking away with a scimitar. I suspect it would become boring after a while.

Anyway, the Saudis-who-are-nothing-to-do-with-Islam-either are taking on 12 executioners, because the transgressors are apparently piling up in the cells, so I reckon I stand a good chance, Inshallah. Or I could try Sudan where they’re about to chop the head off some Christians — again, nothing to do with Islam. Or Pakistan, where the authorities will soon be doing likewise to cockroach Christian blasphemers. Indeed, across the Entire Islamic World (Which Is Nothing To Do With Islam), there are a multitude of job opportunities working for the governments persecuting women, homosexuals, Christians, Jews, non-believers and adulterers — some of it involving a bit of judicious head-chopping, or hanging, or shooting, otherwise some spirited whipping. Or just arrests.

So lots of opportunity. I will bide my time and mull things over — I want to make sure I’m making the right choice. However, no matter where I decide to go, I require a cast-iron guarantee that I will be allowed back into the United Kingdom if life abroad is not quite as clement and uplifting as I anticipate. And have the right to resume wandering around with my black flag and with an option to blow myself up in a public place when and if the mood takes me. If that’s ok with you, kafir.

I am of course not alone in wanting to get out. According to that man who runs your imperialistic education auditing body, Of-sted, Muslim pupils are disappearing at an alarming rate from school rolls in both Birmingham and the Holy Caliphate of Tower Hamlets (Peace Be Upon It). Sir Michael Wilshaw is apparently puzzled as to why this might be. One minute the kids are there — suitably veiled if they are female, obviously — the next they are gone. Of 1,000 kids monitored, 350 have disappeared entirely and their whereabouts is a complete mystery. Sir Michael says the schools were told stuff like they had ‘moved abroad’ or ‘gone back to Libya’. Sir Michael even fears that many of them may have fallen prey to an ‘extremist ideology’, although he doesn’t spell out precisely what that ideology might be. Hmmm. I wonder what it is, Mikey. It’s a real poser, isn’t it?

If I do decide to emigrate I shall take with me fond memories of the United Kingdom and its endless, fathomless capacity for self-delusion. There really is no country in the world that does it better. I suppose it starts from the bizarre doublethink of multiculturalism — that people should be allowed to indulge in their own cultures and God forbid anyone mention ‘integration’, but that all cultures are essentially as liberal and democratic as your own and committed to the same goals and aspirations. That’s not really true, is it? And then, later, we get told that some bits of our culture — such as female genital mutilation, enforced marriages, persecuting or ostracising homosexuals and non-believers oh and so much else — are not actually part of our culture at all. We’ve got it all wrong! I suppose that’s less self-delusion than expediency and arrogance. But either way, thank you. It’s an endearing trait. And so long — missing you already, mwah.